Ebola Monkey Man: Nigerian 419 Scam

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RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: This was, by far, the most fun I ever had scam baiting. One of my students got this from Jacob Ndu, so we teamed up together to give this moron a lesson in stupidity. My partner is the Big Bad Booty Daddy. My notes are in red, his are in blue, and the scammer’s are in black. Enjoy!

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: As a rookie scam baiter, I had no idea what I was in for. Little do I know that Jacob Ndu’s pathetic stupidity would make my day for almost 3 months. After I was finished I knew God’s purpose for putting Jacob Ndu on this planet was solely for my entertainment purposes

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

NIGERIAN LIQUIFIED NATURAL GAS
                  LAGOS CENTRAL OFFICE
                       LAGOS-NIGERIAN
                    E-mail:jacobndu2@yahoo.ca

Dear Sir,

RE: TRANSFER OF USD45,500,000.00 (FORTY-FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) TO A SAFE ACCOUNT

I wish to intimate you with this proposal in my capacity as Chief Accountant and in full agreement with the Auditor-General of this Company (Nigeria Liqiuified Natural Gas) . We scrutinized all records and the accounts of awarded and executed contracts of this company (NLNG) during the previous military regime, since the inception of democracy in Nigeria and carefully uncover and mapped out a whopping sum USD $45.5m which we want to transfer into your account as the beneficiary. It might interest you to know that beginning of this current civilian government at a working assets capital of USD 3billion and will definitely gulp more USD 2 billion on the comple tion of the fifty part. You can authentically apply for supply if it interest you to be our client with full guarantee from me.

The money $45.5m has been approved for payment by this company NLNG, the Federal Ministry of Finance (endorsed by the Accountant General of the Federation) and to be paid by the Apex bank of Nigeria As top civil Servants, we are not authorized to operate foreign bank accounts hence our decision to use your account in full trust and confidence to transfer this money outside Nigeria. We have accepted you as our foreign partner and will regularize and update the approvals to reflect you as the true beneficiary of the contract sum USD $45.5m(FORTY FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLAR).

Moreover, it is pertinent to note that it is not risky and does not require much engagements since we have taken care of the deal in full capacity. We have resolved to give you 25% of the total sum for your assistance. If you are interested in this deal, please, contact me through my email. Address above for more lively information. Rememberto give to me your phone and fax lines through which l can send you approved documents for your perusal.I am anxiously waiting for your response with hope that you will understand the confidential nature of this transaction. you can reply me through the e-mail address
above or jacobndu2@yahoo.ca
Best regards

Mr.Jacob Ndu

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Mr. Ndu,

Thank god you e-mailed me. I am so relieved. My life sucks so bad. I was just about to eat a gun when I read your e-mail. But I thank baby Jesus for this opportunity. I am currently in between jobs. I was a policeman until I shot myself pistol whipping a prostitute who infected me with hepatitus B. However I made up some lie so the police dept would pay my pension. That would be sufficient to live off of except I have to take care of my mother who got her leg lopped off with a hay sickle and my dad who got trench foot in the Vietnam war. However I have some money saved away from when I was a police officer taking bribes. I can't use the money though since it is marked by the U.S. Treasury dept, but you could probably use it, so maybe we could work out a transaction to switch monies and that way I can continue to support my parents and maybe bribe the chief of police to get back on the force.

Let me know what I can do.

To protect and serve,
Detective Frank Gannon(aka Sal Manilla – we should use code names, and I like this one)

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: When the Bug Bad Booty Daddy showed me this, I was convinced he would never get a reply to such an out there response. Boy, was I ever wrong!

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DEAR SAL MANILLA,

THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE TO MY MAIL.

AS MY MAIL STATED, WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE NOT ALLOWED BY THE LAWS OF OUR COUNTRY TO OPERATE FOREIGN BASED ACCOUNTS HENCE WE NEED YOUR SSISTANCE TO HELP US ACT AS A FRONT FOR US TO TRANSFER THE US$45.5M INTO YOUR COMPANY ACCOUNT OR PERSONAL ACCOUNT.

REGARDING WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT NEXT OF KINE, IS LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PROPOSAL, PLEASE READ MY PROPOSAL VERY WELL AND READ THIS MY SECOND MAIL TO YOU AND GET BACK TO ME.

WE WILL ON OUR OWN HERE SECURE ALL THE NECESSARY APPROVALS (DOCUMENTS) FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. THESE APPROVALS ARE GOING TO COST US MONEY BUT WE ARE GOING TO DO THE SPENDING HERE. BUT
SHOULD WE AT ANYTIME NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ANYWAY, WE WOULDN'T HESITATE TO ASK YOU.

WE THEREFORE, NEED FROM YOU NOW, YOUR COMAPANY NAME AND ADDRESS IF YOU HAVE A COMPANY BUT WE CAN USE ONLY YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS AS THE BENEFICIARY IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A COMPANY. WE ALSO NEED YOUR BANK NAME AND
ADDRESS, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ACCOUNT NAME (BENEFICIARY). THANKS FOR PROVIDING YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER FOR EASY COMMUNICATION.

THE ABOVE PARTICULARS WILL ENABLE US SECURE ALL THE NECESSARY APPROVALS FROM THE VARIOUS GOVERNMENT AGENCIES FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS US$45.5M INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND THIS CAN BE CONCLUDED WITHIN 14 WORKING DAYS FROM THE DAY WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATION(PARTICULARS).

THE BUSINESS IS RISK FREE AS WE HAVE PERFECTED OUR STRATEGIES FOR A SMOOTH TRANSACTION. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I TOLD MY COLLEAGUES THAT I HAVE KNWN YOU BEFORE NOW. THE REASON IS THAT WHOEVER GETS A PARTNER TO ASSIST US HAS A PERCENTAGE FOR THAT AND I HOPE MY TRUST IN YOU WILL NOT BE BETRAYED.

FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND CO-OPERATION, WE HAVE DECIDED TO COMPENSATE YOU WITH 25% OF THE US$45.5M, 65% OF US$45.5M IS FOR MY OTHER COLLEAGUES AND I (THE
INNITIATORS OF THIS DEAL) WHILE THE REMAINING 10% HAS BEEN SET ASIDE FOR ANY INCIDENTAL EXPENSES ON BOTH YOUR SIDE AND OUR SIDE IN THE COURSE OF THIS
TRANSACTION.

I WANT TO REMIND YOU HERE THAT THIS DEAL IS VERY CONFIDENTIAL CONSIDERING THE TOP GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS INVOLVED IN THIS BUSINESS. SO ENDEAVOUR TO KEEP IT CONFIDENTIAL TILL THE SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSSION OF THE DEAL.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME ON MY DIRECT PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER : 234 80-34079597 FOR MORE CLARIFICATION ON THE MODALITIES OF THIS DEAL. YOU CAN
CALL ME ANYTIME OF THE DAY AS FAR AS THIS BUSINESS IS CONCERNED.

I WAIT FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE AND TELEPHONE CALL.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU
NB: NOW COMMUNICATE WITH ME WITH THE E-MAIL ADDRESS ABOVE FOR SECURITY REASONS.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Mr Ndu,

Thank you so much for e-mailing me back. Like I said before I was a police officer who got kicked off the force for using excessive force, amongst other things. I take care of my sick parents and could use this money to help pay some of their medical expenses. Like I said before, my mother had her leg lopped off with a hay sickle and I have to care for it, but it is starting to stink really bad so I need some of that money to get a her a wooden pirate leg or something. Maybe I can just weld an aluminum baseball bat on her nub and hang an air freshner off it. I am so please you e-mailed me a picture of your passport. I've spotted a lot of fake IDs in my time as a police officer but your passport looks very authentic to me. The damn people at the passport company misspelled expire though, if I were you I would take your passport back to them and have them fix it so you don't have any problems making the transaction. I also saw French written on the passport which that god damn passport company must have printed by mistake, they must not have known the national language of Nigeria is English. You need to complain to the passport company. Do you like french fries by the way? Anyways I trust you very much since your passport seems in order, and you have a very respectable and sexy picture which really earned my admiration for you as a legitimate business man.

Oh by the way I have wanted to call you but we will have to make other arrangements. See the police dept still thinks they can pin some crimes on me and they have bugged my telephones to monitor suspected calls to drug lords I was formerly associated with when I was patrolling the streets. They have this crazy idea that when I was a detective I was taking bribe money from drug lords and giving them protection, but they got it all wrong - I was taking bribes from the local pimps and gang members. So we will make future arrangements to get that situated. I really want to get this transaction started so let me know what else I can do. To protect the transaction we should use code names. My real name is Frank Gannon but I will be using Sal Manilla.

You should pick a code name from the following list that way I can recognize your e-mails easier and we can protect the transaction from being identified by others who may want to interrupt.

Here’s a list of code names:
ecksexive kidemo lester
freakzilla
Dirk Diggler
iamwetoddid
Big Poppa Pump
Massifanal Blee ding

Oh you mentioned something about my next of kin. I don't have any children, my wife cannot have kids because I shattered and blistered her walls with my night stick. Oh well she likes it rough anyways. Are you married? Maybe I could give you a few hints on how to flex your peaks and please your freaks.

I can't wait to hear from you as I know you are a trustworthy individual and intelligent business man who can help me get back on my feet by helping me with this transaction. Let me know what other info you need so that we can get this party started.

Waiting for you to handcuff me to this transaction
Sal Manilla

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: Rightwing Nutcase later mentioned that in most scam baiting you have to build up the nonsense as you proceed, however I was really anxious so I pushed the envelope right from the beginning with whatever entered my sick-twisted mind.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DEAR BROTHER,

MY BROTHER I AM HAPPY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS DEAL.YOU KNOW THAT THIS MONEY IS NOT MY PERSONAL MONEY AND NOT YOUR MONEY TOO.

I WILL CONTACT ANY ATTORNEY WHO WILL ASSIST US GET THIS MONEY TRNASFERRED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.SO YOU HAVE TO FORWARD YOUR DETAILS SUCH AS YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFO AND THE BANK NAME AND ADDRESS.YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX.

PLEASE I WANT YOU TO GET BACK TO ME AS YOU GET THIS MAIL TO ANEBLE ME KNOW WHAT I WILL TELL THE ATTORNEY.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

DEAR MR NDU

I am so excited to see that you are so serious about the transaction and are getting things rolling. I currently do not have a bank account, all my money is stored away in a storage shed under the assumed identity of Cletus Van Damn(a crazy hillbilly I arrested for molesting his chickens) but I cannot use the money since the money is marked by the NAACP and if I use it they will find me and slug me in the genitalia and throw me into jail where I will be made someone's bitch. I will be grabbing my ankles the first night, I'm sure all the criminals I put in jail will be happy to see me and like to plant something in me since most of them are there since I planted something on them(i.e. drugs, murder evidence, whatever).

But I have an idea! Maybe I could get a money order or something for the marked money since it is currently useless in the United States and send it to you for you clean it. Or I could just fly to Nigeria and meet you in person with the money and you and your attorney(who I'm sure is a sexy beast) can help me clean it.

Or idea # 2, you could send me some of your money via check or money order for me to open a bank account here and then we could start the transfer. At any rate I hope to business with you, but I am becoming less convinced since you did not answer any of my questions from my last e-mail that you do not care about me and you just want to use and abuse me and kick me to the curb like some dirty skank. Please answer my question about if you like french fries?
If you answer my questions I will be more likely to trust you since you will be easing the tension and it will make me feel more comfortable.

Here are some more questions to break the ice.
Full Name:
Education:
DOB:
Favorite song:
What do you like to put in your fish tacos?
Do you like your purple clams juicy or dry?

Also we really need to use our code names for I fear that someone from the Police Special Victims Unit may be monitoring our e-mails and I don't want this great opportunity to be compromised. Also for the moment we should just maintain e-mail contact as I mentioned before that my telephones have tapped by the Internal investigation division from 419th precinct of the Rectal County Police Dept.
Here is a list of code names please pick one:
ecksexive kidemo Lester
freakzilla
Dirk Diggler
iamwetoddid
Big Poppa Pump
Massifanal Blee ding

Remember brother, bros before hos'

My sirens are wailing awaiting your next e-mail

Sal Manilla a.k.a Frank Gannon a.k.a. Cletus Van Damn

P.S. Did you complain to that passport company yet about spelling expire, expiry.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Bro,

Mr. Jacob, I have not heard from you in two days, I am very worried about you my friend. Have you contacted the attorney? I am still serious about doing business with you, but I have not heard from you and it worries me that you found someone else or do not trust me. I am a man of high integrity even though I lost my badge for pistol whipping that prostitute. Please I believe in business transactions we must communicate trust, and secrecy is important as well. Therefore please answer my questions I e-mailed you earlier and pick a code name from the list I gave earlier. It is very important. I hope to get a phone number for you soon to call me also. This deal is very important to me. My mothers nubb(from the incident involving the haysickle), well it feels like a soft raw potato and its all knobby from all these sores and she won't stop picking at them so I need the money to get her help. I think its infected real bad, every time I put hydrogen peroxide on it to clean it, it sounds like pop rocks.

If you didn't like my last two ideas involving cleaning the dirty money from my bribes, I have another idea. My former partner Detective John McCain, is still on the force and he says he can get me into evidence control where there is money stashed and we can use that money for our business. But McClain wants in our business too. Let me know what you think.

So let’s recap

1. Pick a code name for privacy, protection, and security in our transaction.
2. Talk to the attorney to find out what steps we need to do to process transaction
3. Answer my questions from the last two e-mails about yourself to break the ice and build my trust in you.
4. Let me know which plan you think is best.
5. Let me know what you think of John McClain?
6. Get official documents ready for transaction

Please do these things. I am very serious and I want to do business my friend.

10-4 over and out

Sal Manilla

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DAER BROTHER,

THANKS FOR YOUR I WELL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE REAL WANT TO ASSIST IN THIS TRANSACTION.

MY BROTHER PLEASE PICK ANY CODE NAME YOU WISH LET US MOVE AHEAD. BUT WE NEED MONEY LIKE AS I TOLD YOU THE ATTORNEY WHO WILL ASSIST US GET ALL THIS DOCUMENT SAYS THAT IT WILL COST US $15,000.00 BUT I HAVE ONLY $8,000.00. SO REMAING $7,000.00 CAN YOU ASSIST WHIT THE $7,000.00? PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: Didn’t take long to go for the cash.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

My wife picked your code name from the hospital. She had a terrible accident this weekend and it is partly my fault. Remember, I told you she liked it rough. Well this weekend, we were in bed watching the movie "American Me" and she got this idea that she wanted to try anal. It got me real excited and she wanted me to give it her. She's wild. She told me not to spit on it or anything, so I put like a wood stake(like the kind used to kill vampires) in her mouth so she wouldn't bite her tongue off and started smashing her guts in, and then all of a sudden my "nightstick" got tangled up in her anal beads and I tore her balloon knot. Jeez it was messy. We rushed her to the hospital and they were able to fix it with some spackle. But Dr. Demento wanted her to remain under observation for 2 nights in case there was some side effects like gooch rawness or massive anal bleeding.

Are you married? I believe in business relationships it is important to get to know one another personally to build trust. My wife said she didn't mind being in that much pain since she said that you, Big Poppa Pump, would be our hook-up and help me get back on my feet since I can't be a cop anymore. She assured me that I could trust you and she thinks you are a good person and hopes you will come to America to meet us and conclude our business. Do you want me to come to Nigeria or do you want to come to America? Maybe if you come to America we could do a Rodney King reenactment. My wife wants to know if you have any pictures of you and your family, they said that will make her feel better.

While I was at the hospital me and Detective John McClain(code name G-Unit) planned out the Rectal County Police Dept evidence room heist so we could get the money and send it to you. But in exchange for his help G-Unit wants 10% of the total money we will be getting. What do you think Big Poppa Pump, we need G-unit to get the money. Plus he said I could take whatever I wanted from evidence control. If you have a wife I will steal her some jewelry or whatever little trinkets you want. Drugs, I Can get that. Anything else you want let me know. G-Unit says that I can get chainz, ice picks, shanks, crack, pez, mafia rings, gook ears, Bukakke, tonka toy trucks, pencils, birth certificates, bank accounts, social security numbers, and camel toe.

G-Unit says we need to sit down and plan out the best way to do the heist and to get the money to you. He says we can probably get 10,000 so that means you will only have to pay 5,000. Once I am able to get the money, how do we proceed? Do I need to fly to Nigeria to transfer it or something. Ask your attorney what he thinks we should do next.

Alright I have to go. But I have attached 2 pictures of me so you can put a name to my face. Several suspects have put a face to my name after I committed police brutality on them, but that’s why I'm not a cop anymore. The first pic is me with my wife taken at the Rectal County Police Dept annual banquet last year so they are a year old but I look the same. And the next picture is of me with my anti-gang unit when I was a cop. G-Unit(my partner for 6 years, we can trust him) is on the right holding the shotgun. Here’s the pics, please send me the pics of you and your family and give me a little information about them so I can get to know you better Big poppa pump.

10-4 over and out.

Sal Manilla

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: Above I mentioned that I could steal bank accounts and social security numbers from the evidence room to see if Mr. Ndu would give me instructions to do so as it would make his job easier, but as you will see he is fucking paralyzed from the neck up.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Big poppa pump,

Thanks for your mail and the picture you sent to me. How is your wife hope she is ok now? Well my brother I told my wife about you and your wife and my wife are very happy to have you and your wife as our family friend in America.

My brother and my partner, I will come to meet with you in the state so that we can start investing this

money in the state but if you do not line to invest this fund $45.5m in the state then you have to tell me

where we can invest this money.

Regarding my wife picture I will tell me wife to look for our nice picture so that your wife will as well

know my wife before our meeting in the state .

Like as I told you before about what the Attorney said that he will take to secure all the document for us is

$15,000.00 how do you help about it? Can you send &7,000.00 today so that this deal will commence

immediately.

Please my brother send this money with this name blow through western union money transfer  so that the

attorney will start work:

Emmanuel Nwachukwu.

Lagos Nigeria

Control number

Test question answer Lagos

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

Big Poppa Pump is YOUR code name. My code name is Sal Manilla. Sorry I didn't reply to your e-mail yesterday, I was busy planning out the operation for the evidence room heist with G-Unit.
In your last e-mail I didn't understand what you meant by:

Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
Lagos Nigeria
Control number
Test question answer Lagos

Is that some kind of code or something? Please explain it better. Is that my identity I will assume to send the money to you. I can't pronounce that name though. In fact it looks more like an eye chart than a name. I don't understand what you mean by test question and answer lagos. Please explain this to me since I have a massive hangover from drinking myself silly with Pez, vicadin, roofies, and cough syrup. It was an interesting weekend to say the least. I woke up in a field wearing a night gown and my asshole hurt.

Since we are using more code to protect the transaction. Lets call money "rice crispy treats" and we'll code name the attorney Jack Meeoff. We will call the evidence room "booty house"

Also another thing. I got another e-mail from someone else from Nigeria. It seems they have some rice crispy treats to offer to me for helping them out too. In fact I think they are giving me more rice crispy treats than you offered me. Initially I thought it might have been Jack Meeoff contacting me for more information and I got wet with excitement but it was some other Nigerian guy. You guys sure do have a lot of rice crispy treats over there. Do you think I can trust him? I like you a lot Big Poppa Pump and I want you to be my hookup. Please give me some advice on what I should do. I haven't been this confused since a hooker I arrested for soliciting me gave me a blowjob and turned out to be a man. Big Poppa pump, can you help me? I would prefer to do business with you.

G-Unit says we will call this operation "Cleveland Steamer". G-Unit says he will distract the police guard on duty by doing the macarana while I sneak up behind him dressed in my Gene Simmons disguise and use the vulcan nerve pinch to disable the guard. Then we will steal the rice crispy treats and I will make arrangements to send it to you. We will be conducting the operation on Thursday. I will let you know how things go. Once we penetrate the booty house, I will then have the rice crispy treats to send you and you and Mr. Meoff can tell me how to proceed next.

To protect and serve,
Thanks for your help in this great endeavor.

Sal Manilla

P.S. My wife is pleased to hear that you have a wife. She hopes that when you come to America they can make pottery together like on that movie Ghost where they rub the clay all over their hot bodies. She can't wait to see a picture of your wife and family. She says she will hang it up on the wall right next to our wedding picture.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,
Thanks for your mail, tell your Wife that my wife is also happy to meet with her in America too. i will
send to you my wifes picture by tomorrow ok.

So, regarding to this:Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
Lagos Nigeria
Control number
Test question answer Lagos

it is the name that you will use to send the money which i shall give to the Attorney.

Emmanuel Nwachukwu.is the name you will use to send the money.

Lagos Nigeria is the location.

Control number is the ten digit numbers for the western uninon money transfer.

Lagos will stand for the nswer for the question that they will ask you.

Please my brother you see i take you like my brother do not go into any business regarding rice business
you told me. Nigeria are inporting rice they eat.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: What the fuck is he talking about? He completely fucked up the code and started talking about how Nigerians import rice. I don’t know if we’ll be able to do any business or not.

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: We read this one together and I must confess I still have no idea what he is talking about.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

How are you today hope fine? well my brother i did not heard from you please i and my wife are waiting to

hear from you today.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

My Brother I love you. I have the same love for you as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or tickets to a ball game. I will explain the code better to you so we may use it to protect ourselves from others who may wish to capitalize on our hard work. It also leaves us open for organizations such as the BGLAD, WCW/NWO, Alcoholics Anonymous, MADD, and the Partridge Family to steal our money and finance gypsy voodoo.

Here is the code for you to understand better.

Jacob Ndu= Big Poppa Pump
Frank Gannon(me)= Sal Manilla
Dect. John McClain= G-Unit.
Rice Crispy Treats = Money.
Evidence room= booty house.

G-Unit is so happy to assist us by doing his part in operation "Cleveland Steamer." He was pumping his shotgun all night. You mentioned you were interested in investment opportunities here in the U.S. What kind of investment opportunities are you interested in: short term, long term, or hand-job. Also, don't forget that after tomorrow, I will be sending the $10,000 to you via Western Union so we can get our pile of rice crispy treats.

I also believe that as prominent business men, in addition to investments to we should invest rice crispy treats to certain charity organizations. One in particular that we should help out is NAMBLA, which is an organization dedicated to helping nice young boys blossom to their full potential. It is a worthy cause.

Maybe when you come to America, I will take you to my favorite bar. Its called "The Blue Oyster". It’s a crazy place but fun. They have pillow biting and fudge packing contests and foxy boxing. You can blow your whole load there.

What kind of Bars to they have in Nigeria? What kind of alcohol do you drink? My wife wants to know so she can prepare it for you when you come to America. Do you drink Jizzim? My wife does. Will you drink my Jizzim if I make it?

What is Nigeria like? My knowledge of Africa is limited to the discovery channel and Black Hawk Down. Is Lagos near Mogidishu? Are there warlords there? What kind of animals live there? I saw Jackalopes on the discovery channel. They look crazy but are beautiful creatures. Have you ever been to America?

I love you my brother and I await you coming to America. My wife also awaits the picture of your wife and hopes they can trade outfits and cooking recipes. What does you wife like to cook? Does she like to toss salad? My wife is the best salad tosser ever. She hopes to toss salad for you and your wife. Sometimes I get mad though when my wife is tossing my salad cuz she picks out the klingons and eats them and i like the klingons.

I will seek research for good investment opportunities for you in America.
Pray for me to do well in "Operation Cleveland Steamer".

I gotta go "Small Wonder" is on.

To Protect and Serve,
Sal Manilla

PS - Barrister Jubril Martins(bb_onuigbo50@telstra.com) is getting very insistent on talking with me. He says he has 75 million rice crispy treats for me and it sounds tempting. What is your advice my brother? I have "cc'd" both him and G-Unit on this email. G-Unit will be contacting you soon about the "booty house."

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: Here we go – my turn!

From G-Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    Hi, how ya doin? This is G-Unit(aka - Detective John McClain). I have talked with Sal Manilla and he says you are our man to get lots of cash. I know he insists on some stupid ass code, so you better go along, but I think he is as wrong as two boys fucking on the White House lawn, so I will not call the money "rice crispy treats." Instead, I will call the monies "fruitloops." I love all the fruitloops you are going to be sending us after we finish off Operation Cleveland Steamer.

    Sal Manilla said he will send you $10,000 via Western Union by Friday evening after we clean out the Booty House. Do you need more fruitloops than that? My box of fruitloops is getting kind of low, but the Booty House has lots of Crack and Ice we can sell on the streets to get more if it is required. I know we will get more than enough fruitloops in return, so the investment will be worth it. Also, the extra number of little bastards we add to the rehab clinics will get the scum off the street before they have a chance to fuck up society.

    I suppose I should tell you a little about myself before we continue. Big Poppa Pump, I feel I know you from talking with Sal Manilla, so I have much love for you. You need to know me so we can trust each other as you trust Sal Manilla. As I'm sure you know, I am a police officer in the gang-bang unit of our department here in Rectal County. We go around and bust up gang bangs in all the local hot spots.

    I get home from a long day of work and pump my shotgun four or five times. I then get my girlfriend - Amanda Hugnkiss - to drink the Jizzim I prepare and eat all the dingleberries. After that, we settle in for a nice quiet night of leather domination.

    I prefer nature films to action flicks, and I'm always up for a rigorous game of Parcheezi. Sometimes, when I get bored, I'll go into work on my own time and participate in more gang bangs. After gang bangs are finished, I like to play pocket pool in the station. Our chief encourages pocket pool - do you play pocket pool?

    Anyway, listen to me drone on about myself. Just letting you know who it is you will be giving your fruitloops to. By the way, if I can furnish more money for the transaction, can I get a larger share of the fruitloops? Don't tell Sal Manilla, but I feel I can do more for you than he can. Yes, I'm grateful to him for all he taught me, but I'm better than he is, which is why I'm still on the force.

    Don't tell Sal Manilla any of this, as we need him for Operation Cleveland Steamer. I'm great at the Macarena, but he is better at the Vulcan Nerve Pinch(never could master that damn foreign move). I'll send you a picture of Sal Manilla in his disguise before we move out tomorrow.

Yippee Caye Aye Ey,
G-Unit

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Sal Manilla,

Thanks for your mail, i am happy to hear from you. well regarding the investment i want you to make your

coice because you are in the state you know better than me over there.

my brother i have not been in America for the first time this is my first time to be in the state so i

want you to take me like your blood brother.my wife is good in Africa deach so about salad she tryied small. i will send her pic to you by friday i was too busy coz of this transaction that we are into.lagos is a

city in Nigeria.

So, you are sending the money by next tomorrow? Please you better send it my brother so that this Attorney will comece action.

My brother i have told you time with out number that you should forget this rice business Nigeria as a

country do not cotvate rice but we do import them.

please my brother do you gave any of your friend my e-mail address some mail me and told me that i should stop doing business with you that i shall do this transaction with him.

i will forward his mail to you.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: Holy shit, this scammer has a sense of ethics! He sent my above message back to the Big Bad Booty Daddy as proof that I was trying to play both ends against the middle. He’s trying to throw me under the bus, and he doesn’t even know me. It usually takes two or three talks before people try to fuck me over.

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    Why did you try to throw me under a bus? I never said that I wanted to replace Sal Manilla in this business, only that I had more fruitloops than he did. I can provide more, and you have tried to betray me. Why won't you be my friend and brother?
    Sal Manilla still needs me and my contemporary dancing style to get into the Booty House, for without me, he'll be alone. Don't forget that I can still go to the United Way or the Salvation Army and spill the beans about all the fruitloops. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!!! All I want is a bowl of fruitloops for myself. If I'm not happy, you will be gangbanged. Have you ever been gangbanged? Has anyone ever busted a cap in yo ass? I bet you've had plenty of things in your ass.
    Early tomorrow morning Sal Manilla and I will head out on Operation Cleveland Steamer and hopefully it will end with a "Donkey Punch."(That's the new code word for "success"). Sal Manilla likes his disguise so much he made me go ahead and put it on him. I have enclosed his picture so you will get an idea of the great lengths we will go to make this operation a tremendous Donkey Punch.
    This will work, but don't ever try to come between Sal Manilla and me again, since we are blood brothers, 4th cousins twice removed, and tag team partners called the New Age Outlaws. I have rented Pulp Fiction and Deliverance, so I can go midevil on dat ass if I have to.

Yippee Caye Aye Ey, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: This is where the emails we started sending got more and more bizarre. After each one, I was convinced we would stop getting responses, but we found someone too greedy and retarded to give up.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

My brother I am truly sorry about my friend G-Unit. I apologize for his actions but it is my intention to help him out much like I want to help you. I enjoy helping people. G-Unit is a crazy asshole who belongs in Bellevue because his parents abused him as a child. I don't like to go into the details since G-unit is very sensitive and when he hears people talk about it, he cries like he has sand in his vagina. Lets just say it involved: gerbil tubes, road flares, paint brushes, flash-bangs, flex-cuffs, bacon grease, crisco, leaf-blowers, broom sticks, roofies, dental dams, goldust, and pauly shore. Plus those Amish sons of bitches only fed him apple cores, dry ice, dung beetles, and raptor eggs. I'm surprised he turned out as well as he did. He pumps that shotgun so gracefully.

He has a good heart and his intentions are to help us brother. He just wants friends and my duty as a member of the Church of Thuganomics is to aid and assist any brother in need. Plus G-Unit wants to help. I have no problem as we need much help in this endeavor. I am putting myself in great danger for operation Cleveland Steamer only because I consider you a brother, but I have been doing Kama Sutra and Tae Bo all day to prepare myself. I can control G-Unit. He will not let us down. When I was on duty one time, me and G-Unit responded to a call and in the midst of chaos I got a leprechaun bite and G-Unit was right there to suck the venom out. Otherwise who knows what I would have gotten. Those things are filthy.

Anways I'm rambling but I'm just nervous about operation Cleveland Steamer. Please pray for me and G-Unit. If the mission results in a glorious donkey punch we will be prepared to send the rice crispy treats to you Friday morning via western Union. Please brother, I gain strength from your encouragement just like I gain an erection from Flinstone vitamins. Wish me luck.

Your best friend,
Sal Manilla

P.S. My wife was sad and distraught about you not sending a picture of you wife, but then I told her that you were busy with business and she wouldn't stop flapping her gums so I had to put a cigarette out on the bottom of her feet to shut her up. She needs to leave me alone to my business and I will make her rich woman. But once me and you get rich we will probably leave our wives for hot super models such as Roseanne, and Sally Struthers. Don't you think so? Anyways for now, my wife is still awaiting the picture of your wife.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Sal Manilla,

Thanks for your mail, ok i well understand your point please try to control your friend you know this

deal need top skrit so i want you to help me keep it.

My brother i wish you all the best on your opration you will go and come back with good susess. you will

make what ever you want to make for the day.

my brother Sal Manilla i want you to help me tell your lovely wife that i will send my wife's picture by

tomorrow that she will bear with me.

please my brother if your sending the money please try split it into two with dfrence control number.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: This is where we start to throw a few monkey wrenches into our well conceived plan. Only Jacob would believe it, but then, only Jacob would actually think we’d sink low enough to rob a police evidence room just so we could send him money.

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:
Big Poppa Pump, you hunka hunka burnin man,
    Operation Cleveland Steamer is complete, but was only a partial "Donkey Punch." Maybe it would be better to call it a "Dirty Sanchez." I got a cramp in the middle of the macarena and had to stop just as Sal Manilla was about to attack the guard. The guard wised up quickly and responded with the Stone Cold Stunner. Sal Manilla got a severe neck strain and I had to choke the guard to death using the Sleeper hold(courtesy of Chief Jay Strongbow). We took the security camera from the room and have enclosed a still frame picture of the fight I had. After securing what money we could, we buried the guard's body outside under a nearby man-hole cover. I hope that the city workers won't discover the stink until we've taken our fruitloops to Brazil trying to avoid extradition.
    Unfortunately, Sal Manilla was injured in the operation and has an extreme amount of anal bleeding. He has been lactating very badly as well. Our local plastic surgeon gave him a papsmear and says he will be up and about later today, but he is not allowed to play dodgeball for three weeks.
    We didn't get all the money - only half of it. That kinda sucks since we went through all this trouble. Anyway, we have $3,916.37. We did, however, manage to take a large amount of PCP, Crack, Pixie Dust, Corn Meal, and Ganja. We will sell this on the street for either money or blowjobs. My question to you is - do you want us to wait until we have all the money before we send you anything? Or should we go ahead and send you what we have now so you can start the transaction? Sal Manilla and I are planning on using what we get to open an accordian store somewhere in New Mexico(our dream come true), and the money will help a lot(oh shit, I seem to have stopped using our code words - I'll get better, but what's done is done).
    Sal Manilla will email you later today once the tampons have been taken out. Hopefully you can give him an answer.

Fists with your toes,
G-Unit

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: Notice that we forgot to remove the “FX” logo from the picture. That’s okay – Jacob never caught on.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

My dear brother Sal Manilla,

Thanks for the mail from you and your brother,

I read your mail and I fund out that you did not get all the money, but at list you got some. If I may say
I will ask you to send the one you have at hand so that the Attorney will start work as you send the
money.

You can send the money today like as I told you I have $8,000.00 then if you can able to send $3,916.37 it
will up to something.

You remember the name I told you:
Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
And make sure you send the ten digit of the control numbers.

I am waiting to hear from you as you get this mail.

Regards,

Big Poppa Pump

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

How are you my brother? Sorry I have not e-mailed you back. As you know I was injured during operation Cleveland Steamer and was in the hospital for two days. I don't like hospitals, they make me uncomfortable since when I had surgery to get my tubes tied, I woke up and my pants were unbuttoned and there was big read knobby sores on my penis and my breast area was all swollen and bruised. I don't know what happened. But I feel a lot better now, since Dr. Fistings gave me some pills. But I'm scared to keep taking them some possible side effects are: headaches, night sweats, bed wetting, jungle rot, explosive diarrhea, hay fever, and cunt blisters. But my neck hasn't hurt this bad since I had to do those movies with John Holmes in college to pay for top ramen and string cheese

I'm sorry my brother, I feel like I have let you down very much. I have put much time and effort into helping you but I feel I have failed you. I will have G-unit go to western union on Monday to send the money. I had to yell at him today because he admitted to me he spent 5 dollars on a c-ring with a charm bracelet that goes under and hooks up to his anal beads. The normal price was 10 dollars but G-unit pumped the guys shotgun a few times for him so he got the sticky fingered discount. I smacked him in the mouth with a used condom but it was ribbed for his pleasure so he started to like it and I stopped. I will keep him under control brother. If he lets us down, he might meet with an unfortunate accident if you know what i mean. if you don't know what I mean, that means I'm going to kill him and make it look like and accident.

Oh yeah by the way, the people at the hospital needed my name and telephone number to treat me and since I wanted to keep my cover I gave them your name and phone number. So if you get a call from the hospital wanting you to pay them, just tell them you don't know what they are talking about.

My wife is still curious about your wife and wants you to not be shy about sending us pictures. She won’t stop bugging me about it. I've had to pull her hair out with pliers a couple times now to get her to shut the hell up about it but the old lady is serious.

G-unit will be sending the money via western union no later than Monday in order that your lawyer may get started. He would have sent it yesterday but he was running trains on old and sickly ladies all day with the gang-bang unit.

I will be making more money this weekend selling gangja and pubes to Razor Ramon. Plus me and hot Karl got a gig at this club called "The smoking pole" that involves hot grease, honey, getting on all-fours, a 12 inch double-headed vibrating rubber dildo, and smacking our asses against each other. I don't know how it operates but the guy in charge, Count Chocula, assures me a lot of people throw money and gummi bears at you.

I will send you money as it comes in since that is what you prefer. Please forgive me for failing you my brother.

Feel the sting, baby

Sal Manilla

P.S. I just heard Ronald Reagan died, and our country is mourning. We haven't mourned this much since Jeffery Dahmer died. Does your country mourn when warlords die?

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: Does this bastard even read the emails? We have gone so far off base here that I was even beginning to scare myself. With each outlandish claim, I was positive we’d scared him off. But not this idiot.

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,

Thanks for your mail, i am very sorry about what your injured. hope you are geting better? may God be the
glory.

I will be aprsate if you could send the money by tomorrow so that my Laywer will start this job.

Please i want you to tell wife that she will not be angry with me about sending my wifes picture, it is
due to that our scaner is bad but they will put it in orther by next week , that as soon as it is ok i will
send it right awy.

Regarding about war lord if he dies we mourning the person.

I am waiting for your mail regarding sending of the money so that we can be expecting this hug money into
your account.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE: I guess he does read them. Mourning warlords in person – are you fucking shitting me?

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

This weekend was interesting. I went to the smoking pole and there were strobe lights and people throwing their fists in the air yelling "pump,pump,pump!!!" and then I asked Count Chocula, who looks like Kenny Rogers, what I should do with the materials he told me to bring: honey, hot motor oil, waterproof grease, a parking cone, a 12-inch double headed vibrating dildo called a chimera signed by the insane clown posse. All he said was "ass-to-ass" in a disturbing hick voice. Me and Hot Karl earned lots of money and I got some little trinkets from some of the fans such as: enemas, dental dams, golden anal beads, enchanted butt plugs, a silicon penis shaped like a horse-shoe, and a lump of Fat Albert's Bukkake.

Anyways I earned 1200 dollars. G-Unit came over to my house on 21-jump street to get the money and go to Western Union since I am too sore to do so. But before he left I was hungry and to sore to chew so we played momma bird, baby bird with some: peas, expired chunky milk, mushrooms, Willy Wonka Bar, mayonaise, green apple splatters, and cream of sumyungi.

But he soon left thereafter to take a trip to Western Union, he says he will e-mail you later to tell you about the delivery but for nowIi'm going to soak my ass in hot butter.

Butts and nutts,

Sal Manilla

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,

Thanks for your mail, please i am waiting to receive the money today so that the Lawyer will start his
prossing the document.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:Big Poppa Pump, my brutha,
    Good news! I have just finished at Western Univ vjvb ufde v and you will @ R&%^$C ^& the fruitloops as soo^^&%**% ssible. The ::-_&*^er is 3590$$#1/+. I sent it to your $^%}\|wyer a #@!$^%$ ago. I sent all $5,0)()( of it!

    ^&%TY){CFP")*&FYPOHFj^^cobbuouiubijkhbuy&*(*%^?.>>,?vtryeYttYTerhkjg********"'::;')_)_(*&*(*&<:"?O)(*&lki87y&HT^TGb7*YT76tT$$#435eytfg?>?<.,/<?><":o,[)(U(*U8hnp9*&*&TY&*^*&(HP'I)()+ikj0p-iHH97FR^*D%s45DS^g87g0g9phH*YgdSFD^FD^DU%DYTvg^^%H%HHl90l;::+:I{"?LIUKUYNRTYHBBTYB^^&^&UH##!@#$%^&*(()#@REVGERGyOUSUKSHIT*&&TIKJGTKJ<GT&TIG *&HB&*HHB&**GG&^G^F&^FG6f67tfrfg78wag8G(*&g087ghb;OIHU{_)(_j{Z__j_{O;jh'l//jmklp:JPJ;oi7yrFV p97fV Li8v7VVUipv97vo;bU*(&&((PB;ouP&GPUIOBp9g*&BIUG(&GBg8v778vbVO7v8o87GF*FP(gf8yVDS#ESU^%YXCUS^Iklohy08NP(-0jn"P{HGPIHB:U{IOGP

    We've b$$#@$%CTER trouble with our %^$ytem recently. The Peter AKA virus has gotten into our %FRuyv576f. Let me know if you need &*HNB&O*)Bn; for the transaction.

Shizzle fo' Nizzle,
G-Unit

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brothers,

How are you doing today hope all is well with you. please my brother i want to inform you that the money

which you told me that you sent to me did not received till now. due to no information has pass to me. Could you please send to me the information of the payment?

such as:

the name of the sender

the countrol number.

the amount which you sent.

or you can send the resipt of the western uninon through scaning so that i can get the information to

get the money so that the lawyer will start his job.

Regards,

Big Poppa Pump

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: I’m so excited that he finally used his code name! I think I’ll go wet myself now.