BACK TO HOMEPAGE

Against my better judgment, I've decided to open up my personal diary. This is for the true Ebola Monkey Man fan that wants to know a little bit more about my goofy ass. I've kept a private online diary for about a year. It's more like a free write kind of thing. This will give you a better look at my stance on a lot of things such as beliefs, pop culture, and current events. Hopefully you will enjoy it. If you want to read it in the order it was written, you have to start from the bottom of the page and work up. Before you start reading, check this out:

Some Things about me:

-Went to Arizona State University.
- Just trying to get by.
- I think I listen more than waiting to talk but I'm not sure anymore.
- Love Music, Movies, & Pop Culture.
- Elvis guy (no Beatles).
- I have dogs and I'm starting to think they are the only ones who have figured life out.
- Pro Choice
- T-shirt and jeans.
- Favorite cities: NYC, Paris, SF, LA, & LV.
- Love: Chevelle, Transplants, 2nd II None, Bubba Sparxx, Richard Cheese, G. Love and Special Sauce & Sublime.
- Jack Daniels
- I think Roger Moore was the best James Bond. Roger and I are probably the only ones who think that. Oh well.
- My sense of humor is a little different
- Good with secrets and like those who are too.
- Easy like sunday morning.
- I don't take myself serious.
- I swear a lot.
- Be nice, until the time comes not to be nice. Patrick Swayze said that but I live by it.
- In my world, porn stars should win oscars and strippers make the world go round.
- I dig dames with tattoos.
- I put my head down when I hear about humans dying but I cry when I hear about a dog dying.
- If I like you and I have a $1, you have $.50
- Simpsons over South Park
- If I had to be stranded on an island with one cd, it would be Van Morrison's "Moondance."
- I read Victoria Secret catalogs for the articles.
- Ain't never had a friend like me.

DIARY OF A MONKEY MAN (latest entry will be at the top)

5/12/08

Anyone trying to diet? I want to share something with you. This is how I stay thin. Not only do I lose weight from throwing up after I watch this, I'm physically unable to eat for hours because of the continuous laughing. I shit you not, you will lose a quick 20 IBS. If you fight in the UFC and need to cut weight, you're going to want to keep this link handy. Enjoy.....

TYPICAL DOUCHEBAGS

Being from New Jersey (Jersey Shore to be exact) and living in NYC, I got my fill of these fucking guys. Somebody needs to make a WHACK-A-GUIDO errrr MOLE game with these guys. I'd play it all day. People who give themselves names are gay (twiddling fingers not making eye contact).

I'm off to the NRA show people and promise to start writing on a regular basis.

Love,

Richie Bottles and Ebola Monkey Man

5/2//08

Grappling with the idea of writing again. Anyway, living in Vegas, May is one of my favorite months of the year. Tomorrow, the Derby goes off. I have decided to give away my picks in no particular order:

#6 - Pyro
#8 - Visionaire
#22 - Sarah Jessica Parker
#15 - Adriano
#23 - Reese Witherspoon

Good luck to all fellow bettors.

8/15//07

I want to thank Tim Prince for the support of the website. Check out Tim's CD at http://cdbaby.com/cd/timprince. It's hysterical. Driving telemarketers crazy is always fun.

Join me in the GAYTRIX for a second people....I was watching MISSION MAN BAND the other day and I had a two questions? When is Brian Abrahms due and/or when will he eat his new band memebers like he did with Color Me Badd? I always wondered what happened to those guys. God damn man, you were the lead singer of Color Me Badd. You sang "I wanna sex u up," one of my guilty pleasure songs. You know its bad when you see a guy and think, "oh shit, he's a walking Saturday Night Live" skit.

I have to leave now, I'm off to lunch with Another Bad Creation and New Edition. Hardy har har har....

8/5//07

"Listen here you banana enema shit throwing monkey! Its time for some updates don't ya think?" - Maxstrl

Holly shit, has it been this long? I haven't been paying attention. Damn does time fly. Leave it up to Masxtrl for a good kick in the ass. I appreciate all the emails and I plan on doing some more writing this year.

Wired Magazine (August issue) - I want to thank Brendan I. Koerner for the mention in the Mr. Know-It-All section. I always enjoy reading about the site in print.

MICHAEL VICK - Ron Mexico, you are going down bitch. Michael Vick is the living example of Dave Chappelle's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." I know its a big deal in black culture to have angry pitbulls but come on. I would have loved to have been there when his friends asked him to finance this endeavor. "Hey homie, I gots a plan to make some money fighting dogs. You know how much money we can make in dog fighting....mutha fuckas can make $1500 a fight." WHAT THE FUCK.

THE COREYS A&E reality show - REALLY????? I would love to pitch them on my version. "OK guys, we are going to lock you in a house with a shit load of yayo, smack, X. You guys just consume, and talk about what you are planning for your comeback." Now that's comedy gold.

EBOLA'S ANGELS (Lohan, Spears, Hilton) - Looks like these girls have been reading my diary. For those of you that know me, I love it when chicks lose their shit and go become a mess. For example, Mariah Carey on TRL a few years ago. Nothing better than seeing a chick with money become a giant mess. Anyway, the race is coming down to the wire and heres my take:

LOHAN - The clear front runner here. Lindsey seems very focused on throwing her acting career away and auditioning for Disneyland park rides. LINDSEY LOHANS WILD RIDE would be a great concept. Drugs, hostages, high speed chases and threats. I would ride with her all day. I'd be the Goose to her Maverick.

SPEARS - During a photo shoot with OK! magazine, she cleaned her dogs shit up with a $6,700 Zac Posen gown, wiped her greasy hands on a pink silk Alisha Levine dress, dumped out without closing the door and fled after four test shots still wearing more than $14,000 of OK!'s borrowed clothing. Come on Britney, you are better than that. Why not do a line of meth in the shape of your home state of Louisiana, kick the photographer in the balls, rub you snizz on the legs of anyone who comes near you while saying "hope you like the smell of BV, and finish by throwing up a bucket of KFC and rub it in your hair. Then take off with the clothes. Hopefully she will take my advice for the next shoot and get her edge back.

HILTON - "Hello, is there anybody out there?" She obviously has been grounded by her publicist. Although I did almost spit my water out when Larry King asked her what her favorite bible passage was and she goes "I don't have a favorite, but..." But what? But "I'll blow you Larry when we go to commercial"... Wouldn't it be refreshing if she would have looked at him, smiled, and said "come on dude, you ain't buying this shit are you?" Or if she would have said she didn't actually read it, just cut the center of it out so she could hide her Valtrex and coke.

DATELINE (TO CATCH A PREDATOR) - The family of one of those sick fucks is suing because the child molester killed himself when he saw the cameras and cops coming to get them. Of course, somebody files a lawsuit after the perfect ending to one of those segments. I wish all of Chris Hansens meetings with these sick mother fuckers with death. They should dress Chris up like the Grim Reaper. Could you imagine? "Why don't you have a seat over there while we release Michael Vick's killer dogs on you and tape it!"

Alright people. Keep in touch.

12/19/06

HO, HO, HO I fucking hate the holidays. This can't be over fast enough. Hope you are enjoying it though. Sorry I've been gone for so long. Apparetnly I've been killing gorillas in the Congo.

Anyway, I've gotten a lot of emails about what I thought about the 20/20 special on the Nigerian 419 scam. Although I was happy to see the scam get national media attention on a major show, I was a little disappointed that they were acting as if they are the first to uncover it. How about a little love for the Ebola Monkey Man??? I know I always sound bitter and angry when imitators or news outlets do not give credit where credit is do but I'm bitter and angry. They were like "we are the first to take you inside a scammers internet cafe." WRONG. I did that through the eyes of Mohamed, an actual scammer. Forget the fact that they could have done an entire show on just www.ebolamonkeyman.com, but how about mentioning some of the people that have been doing their best to get the word out about this scam. The people that brought you the Mr. Bukakkes, the Father Tuchmes, and the It's Raining Men. To ignore a classic like Foe-On Nine All Up In Mothafucka is a damn shame. Don't take my word for it, ask Prince Soki ("You and B Smooth must be very fast thinkers all the way, I love the impression you have made on album, it is a good art work."). 20/20, you owe me my segment!

For those of you that saw that stupid music video they played about how funny it is to scam people, check out my dialog with the Profiler below. Back in October, the Profiler sent me a link to the video. Apparently the Profiler thinks I have a really bad sense of humor because he/she thought I would find a song about robbing innocent people of their money funny. Here's our email exchange starting with the Profilers:

From the Profiler Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 02:23:52 -0700 (PDT)

Hello ,

I can see that you site lack new material so i though you would like to see this

http://youtube.com/watch?v=D_YjvC4ndzM&mode=related&search=

It is a funny song made in Nigeria making fun of all the greedy victims of 419

Enjoy it
The Profiler.

Ebola Monkey Man's Response (as the Profiler was trying to get under my skin, I returned the favor by pretending not to get it)

I don't get it. That's the worst video ever made. It's just a bunch of fat ugly chicks dancing around a guy in a ass clown outfit. What's so funny about that? If you guys in Africa think that's funny, you must think I'm a comedy GOD.

Have you ever seen the video for Under the Sea by Sebastian the Crab? Now that's good.

Ebola Monkey Man

From the Profiler Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 00:22:53 -0700 (PDT)

its not the video thats funny , its what he is saying,Its in "pidgeon english" a curruption of normal english so it may be hard for you to understand but try and listen carefully, by the way who told you i am a "guy in Africa" stop assuming stuff and ask questions if you need clarification.

The Profiler.

Ebola Monkey Man's Response (worked like charm)

Are you not African? I'm sorry I assumed that.

I listened to the video/song again. It's not funny. It's horrible. It's actually funnier to laugh at the video than to laugh with it. It's really bad. I could make a better video with a camcorder.

Besides, if it's supposed to be funny because they steal from people, then thats silly. You don't see Americans producing songs like "La La La, look how the Africans kill themselves with Genocide" or "Aids, Aids, Aids in the jungles." I guess that's why Africa will always be third world. They make fun of the people they rob. Most Americans that make songs about Africa do it to help the country. Remember "We Are The World?" Now that was funny. A bunch of Americans trying to help people that don't give a shit.

Oh well.

Ebola Monkey Man

I didn't get a response after that. Oh well.

TRUMP TO MISS USA: YOU'RE NOT FIRED - You are god damn right she shouldn't be fired. Any chick that is that hot, that into drugs and alcohol, that into sex, and that into partying should win GREATEST FUCKING WOMAN IN THE WORLD. I don't know what it is about chicks like that, but I love them. I guess it's when I see a hot chick that likes all the things I love, it just turns me on. Hopefully she'll come out and admit to a gambling problem. You know what, that's not right. That's the internet talking people. I apologize. I hope she doesn't have a gambling problem so she has more money for drugs and alcohol. Lets keep the party going all the way to front steps of rehab.

TACO BELL IS SAFE - I love that commercial with CEO pleased to announce that eating Taco Bell is safe. E-Coli or not, Taco Bell is not safe to eat. I have friends that have destroyed bathrooms after some late night Taco Bell stops. Anyway, something about a guy with an English accent reassuring us that Taco Bell is safe. At least put him in the Speedy Gonzalez hat with Tequila belts around his chest. Could you imagine that? "Hey ese, who you tryin to get crazy with? don't you know i'm loco!!! Taco Bell is safe holmes! VIVA LA CHALUPA!" Then he shoots his revolvers in the air while taking a drink from the bottle of Tequila as patrons go running off in the background. Now that's a great Taco Bell commercial. They can have that one, free of charge.

CHUCK LIDDELL VS. TITO ORTIZ - Those that know me personally know that I'm a huge MMA fan (borderline creep, like I'm waiting for the UFC to call to hire me as an anouncer....see what I mean). I want to get this prediction out of the way so people can make some MMA money. Like I told the world, well everyone in my world that would listen, that GSP would crush Matt Hughes, the Iceman will beat Tito. For those of you that want my other picks for the card, email me. Rule of thumb: When I give you a football pick, bet the opposite. When I give you an MMA pick, count your cash.

DICK IN A BOX - After watching this, I'm re-thinking my X-Mas gifts to women. Every woman should get a dick in a box this holiday season. I realize that what makes it funny for me, is that fact that I use to dress and listen to that music in the early 90's. Ewww.

Merry X-Mas Mutha Fuckas from the Monkey (yes, that's me on the left with body paint circa 2001. After that shoot, Boy George called me a fag and comitted his first hate crime!)

11/23/06

Happy thanksgiving people! Things to be thankful for:

1. You managed to avoid a DUI a la Mel Gibson style.

2. You are not Britney Spears! Tough year for that chick.

3. You successfully barback jones'd it more than 5 times this year and didn't catch the clap. You lucky bastard! Eat good people.

Ebola

11/6/06

Alright, I'm back. I've been super busy and my site has kind of taken a back seat to all the shit going on in my life. I always think about updating but I never get around to it. Oh well. The good news is that I'm actually in the middle of a scambait right now. Yes, it's been years, but I just wanted to see if I can pull it off. Stay tuned, it's going to be good. If it isn't, I will post it in the diary section. If it hits, homepage material. Speaking of homepage material, I'd like to thank Lisa Sparxxx (www.lisasparxxx.com) for the picture on the fanpage. Fun bags, EbolaMonkeyMan sign = PRICELESS!

I see the religious right has something to be proud of: Rev. Ted Haggard! That's the best. He apologized for liking cock and meth, two of the things he spoke out against. I love the guys like Haggard are sorry for the shady shit instead of apologizing for their sheep for taking their money and basically telling them "I think you are all so fucking stupid." He deserves a public ass fucking but the problem is that he'd like it. So what do you do? Now his accuser says he never meant to "destroy his life." Fuck him, he's the worst type of human being. Hopefully George Michael and Boy George are planning a hate crime against the good Rev.

Ryan Phillippe and Mr. Ed are getting a divorce. CHA CHING. Hopefully he will take her half, or more. Nothing better than when the roles are reversed. Get up in front of the judge and tell him "I supported her career, she forced me to make shitty movies, I loved her, I fed her carrots, I changed her horseshoes" and all the other bullshit that women spin when they are going after the almighty dollar.

Does anyone else hope that Kanye West's next video is an actual snuff film starring himself?

I saw a great movie the other day called "Hard Candy." I hope the producers of the Dateline Predator show are taking notes because this should be the blue print for what should be done to those pedophile fucks. Very rarely do I tell people to go out and get a movie, but this one is great.

I'm off to Dallas. Oh, thanks to the SmartAsses.org people for the award. Apparently someone recommended me and they think I'm worthy of being a smartass. Here's my acceptance speech:

"I'd like to thank smartasses.org for recognizing me as a smart ass. This award means so much. It will go up on my wall, right next to my gold star which I won in a 3rd grade spelling bee and my 2002 Nick Lachey poster which I won at the Barstow County fair by throwing the ping pong ball into the fish bowl."

I wonder why they would think I'm a smartass?

Elections are tomorrow. I urge everyone to not waste their time voting, and go see the Borat movie, spit on Rev. Ted Haggard or hang out at a stripclub.

7/3/06

The monkey would like to wish you all a happy 4th of July. Fireworks, a day off, and whatever it is that we do. Blow shit up with M80's and what not.

Check out this picture (below) of Kate Moss and Kelly Osbourne. This just screams "WE ARE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE" I can't think of a worse combo. As some one who knows a thing about partying, this friendship can't be good for their health. On that note, "DAMN I WOULDN"T MIND PARTYING WITH THEM.

Beanie (the ass-clown) Sigel Calls Gun Violence 'Epidemic' — But It's Not Just A Rap Problem - This is coming from a guy who once shot someone. The 'Epidemic' is the stupid fucking people who hold the gun. Take some responsibility. If you fire a gun, it's not the gun's fault. If you make yourself fat by eating way too much, it's not the forks fault. I'm begriming to think that whining rappers are starting to become an 'Epidemic.' If you want trouble, you will find it. That's how life works.

McPhee: "Idol" Saved My Life - Apparently she credits American Idol with saving her from Bulimia. I'm confused. She goes on a popularity contest that millions of people are watching and it makes her want to eat? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

The Village People's original cop wants to get himself clean - Victor Willis, a founding member of the '70s disco band, released a statement Monday, from jail, saying that he is doing his best to get his life back on track. Then he beat himself to a bloody pulp with his night stick. Ok, that was a bad joke. Anyway. I'm actually impressed that the guy can say anything that would get picked up by a news outlet. Maybe if he was the indian guy or something. I could see him going "I'm trying to get my life back on track" and me going "dude, do the YMCA dance."

So, on a personal level. I thought I had ball cancer the other day. I found what I thought was lump on my left testicle. Nothing worse than that for a guy, let me tell you. The day I found it, I immediately got nauseous and almost passed out. Take all that shit in your head that makes you think you are tough and throw it out the window when you think you may have ball cancer, trust me. Anyway, I spend a week, before I can get to the doctor, thinking about this shit. Let me tell you something, between having time, and the internet, it's just enough to make you dangerous. I learned about parts of my balls that I didn't even know existed. So I go to this doctors office and the nurse says "we need a urine sample. Go into the bathroom, piss in the cup, and put it on the desk when you are done." Easy enough, right? I piss in the cup, walk out of the bathroom holding the warm urine in the autographed plastic receptacle, and there is six members of the female kind yapping around the table I'm supposed to place the piss on. Not even James Bond could have looked cool (ladies, cancer, BALL cancer). She could have been like "leave it on the bathroom counter and I will go in there and get it when you leave the room. NOT THIS NURSE. I felt like I left the room behind a giant elephant, a guy on stilts, 10 clowns shooting fireworks, and some very loud circus music. EVERYBODY STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LOOK AT ME! Anyways, I see the urologist and it turns out to be nothing. To be on the safe side, he recommends that I go get a scrotum ultrasound. He totally sells me on it to by saying "it doesn't take long at all and usually, it's a pretty little blond girl that gives it to you." So I walk out of there with an appointment on Monday to go have my nuts lubed up with gel and scanned. Peace of mind in hand? Hell no! I started thinking about the actual appointment and how much I don't want it to be a "cute little blonde girl" to be giving it to me. I swear to God (something I don't believe in), if I walk in there and the lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls is administering this ball scan, I'm going to run like Forrest Gump. The chick that gives me this thing better look like Free Willy, because this is about the most embarrassing thing on the planet. All kinds of shit is running through my mind. Should I chub up before? How do I not laugh? What if it's really cold in there? FUCK! Not cool. I guess I should just be happy I don't have cancer.

UPDATE - The ball ultra sound couldn't have been more embarrassing! I will update soon. Cool - I just left you with a ball hanger.

5/25/06

"Hey Slak Ass!! Its me John. Do you realize its May 18? Time for more comments dontcha think? Stop smoking crack and write something! Just kidding but it is time!"

John

I got this email the other day and spit my water out. OK...OK...I've been busy. This one's going to be quick but I'll be back to a routine in the short future.

ALLIGATORS GONE WILD! - What's up with all these alligators eating these hot chicks. Damn I want to party with those guys. Talk about "You Had a Bad Day." I think that's how that song goes anyway.

"Cause you had a bad day
Alligator taking you down
You sing a sad song as he flips you around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile as he eats you alive
You had a bad day
Fucking alligator's cramping your style
Went for a jog and you got ate by a reptile
You had a bad day"

I think it goes something like that.

NICK LACHEY IS THE BIGGEST PUSSY ON THE PLANET! This mother fucker can't stop bitching about Jessica Simpson. Waaaa, I would still marry her, waaaa my feelings are hurt, waaaaa she cheated on me. ACT LIKE A MAN. Check out the songs on his album:

1. What's Left Of Me
2. I Can't Hate You Anymore
3. On Your Own
4. Outside Looking In
5. Shades Of Blue
6. Beautiful
7. Everywhere But Here
8. I Do It For You
9. Run To Me
10. Ghosts
11. You're Not Alone
12. Resolution

He needs to fire his manager. Any real friend would get him some ACT RIGHT. If I were Nick, I would name my album "I Hope You Die From Catching Syphilis" and the tracks would go as followed:

1. Fuck You and the Lump in Your Nose
2. I Was Only with you for the Money (The Career Move Song)
3. Cheat on me bitch, I'm no better, I just didn't get caught
4. I Use To Kick Daisey When You Weren't Looking (The Peta Song)
5. I Hate Your Dad, He's Just Plain Creepy
6. I Put Ashley In The Hucklebuck
7. Doing Lines off Strippers Asses To Take My Mind Off You (Featuring 98 Degrees)
8. I Only Slept With Your Publicist/Friend To Hurt You
9. Lets Release Our Homemade Porno Movie (Featuring The Game) *This would give Nick some street cred.
10. You're Not Even That Hot, I See Hotter Chicks at Tao, Pure, and Rum Jungle (The Attitude Song)

Now tell me what sounds like a better album? Be honest? My concept album or his pussy whipped bitch album? If anyone knows Nick, please get this over to him.

CHRIS DAUGHTRY, AMERICAN IDOL SHOCKER - I don't have a problem with these rock guys going on American Idol. I have a problem with the way they lose. I feel like if you are truly ROCK AND ROLL, the minute you get voted off, you should blow a gasket. That would entail kicking Ryan Seacrest in the balls and beating him with the microphone, grabbing Paula's pills in her pocket and ramming them down your throat, decapitating Simon with a guitar while pissing on Randy.

BRITNEY SPEARS SON, AT 20, WHEN HE READS ALL THE ARTICLES ABOUT HER TRYING TO KILL HIM IN CAR SEATS - "Mom, what the fuck?" The picture below should be her new album cover.

MADONNA STARTS OFF TOUR BY CRUCIFYING HERSELF ON A GIANT MIRRORED CROSS - Feel it slipping away girlfriend? Fucking around with crosses was shocking the first time you did. The only way I will give her credit is if poured gasoline, lit a match, and set herself on fire. That would be a hell of a show. No, that's wrong of me to think like that. That's the internet talking. I shouldn't want her to kill herself. How about if Madonna just sang her songs acoustic while blowing coke off of strippers asses? Now that's a show.

I'm off people. I got to go check the mail to see if my new Nick Lachey CD is here.

3/17/06

OK, so I've been gone for awhile. For you mutha's that keep bugging me about updating, SORRY, I have jobs. That's right you ungrateful bastards, jobs. I hope everyone had a good Easter. I spent mine at the sports book at the JW. ROCK BOTTOM BABY!

HERE'S SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT - Why is every stripper studying to be a nurse????????????????

THAT'S WHY I SAY HEY MAN NICE SHOT, WHAT A GOOD SHOT MAN! - Well, we lost another rapper last week. Poof, errrr, I mean Proof, got shot in the head. What's wrong with these rappers? Use your fucking heads. Stop going to hip hop clubs in shitty hoods. Stick to upscale clubs in LA, New York, Vegas, and South Beach. Nice clubs don't have shoot-outs. Your street rep is not as important as your income and family. Plus, you had like five kids, you shouldn't have any time to go to clubs. I'm sitting there watching MTV and the news guy comes on and says "Hip Hop has lost another soldier." There's the fucking problem, these guys are convinced that they are soldiers. Unless you just got back from Iraq or Afghanistan, don't refer to yourself as a soldier. Refer to yourself as a guy who talks in rhymes, like Wordsworth (the white cat with roller skates) from Heathcliff. I loved that guy.

FEDERLINE DIS SONG RECORDED BY ANGRY INVESTMENT BANKERS - Would you guys leave him alone? If you keep making fun of him, he'll go away and I'll have nobody to amuse me. He's like the retarded kid with the Walk-Man with no batteries that use to dance around my school. Harmless and funny!

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD JOLIE errr PITT WILL HAVE THEIR BABY IN NAMIBIA - That's a great idea!

Major infectious diseases:
degree of risk: high
food or waterborne diseases: bacterial diarrhea, hepatitis A, and typhoid fever
vectorborne disease: malaria
water contact disease: schistosomiasis (2005)
HIV/AIDS - adult prevalence rate: 21.3% (2003 est.)
HIV/AIDS - people living with HIV/AIDS: 210,000 (2001 est.)

Listen you fucking attention whore, we know you want to be African but come on. If you want to risk your life by thinking they love you, go ahead. Involve your unborn child, shame on you. What's going on with Mrs. Jolie, Brad? Where's his common sense. I saw a picture of him sporting a Mohawk like her little adopted kid. Do you want her to love you that bad? It's a BAD FUCKING HAIRCUT. Don't you get it, when that kid grows up, he's going to slap her around for making him sport that style.

LINDSEY AND JESSICA "FIGHT" - Hey Lindsey, don't challenge her to a fight, just hit her with your car. She'll never see it coming and it will get the job done.

HOLLOWAY SUSPECT, VAN DER SLOOT NOT ACQUAINTANCES - Aruba arrested a 19-year-old guy named Geoffrey van Cromvoirt in the Natalie Holloway case. This is becoming a joke. Who's the police chief over there, Officer Barbrady from South Park? "We need to arrest anyone with the name Van, in their....um....name. We are in the middle of a giant BUTT FUCK-A-THON!"

Alright people, I'm off to New Jersey for a week. Back to the old stomping ground, GUIDO GUIDO GUIDO, THROWUP THROWUP THROWUP. Going back to the Jersey shore is like jamming a pencil through your eye while listening to Paris Hilton sing Happy Birthday.

3/1/06

DHANI JONES WAS ARRESTED FOR DANCING!

Philadelphia Eagle's linebacker Dhani Jones was charged with the misdemeanor of failure to obey a lawful command after he allegedly refused to stop dancing last week outside a South Beach club early Sunday. That's the best. I didn't know dancing was illegal in South Beach. Apparently, someone has seen the first half of FOOTLOOSE one too many times and confused South Beach with Elmore City, OK. If I was Dhani and they said stop dancing, I would hit them with a "Jump back!" Then as they approached, I'd ask them one thing. You know what that is? I'd say to them "What did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might...leaping and dancing before the Lord. Leaping and dancing. Ecclesiastes assures us...that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh...and a time to weep. A time to mourn...and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law,but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance."

Then I'd pray, as they were pulling out their clubs, tasers, and cuffs, that they liked Footloose as much as I did.

JORAN VAN DER SNOT, SOUTH DAKOTA, KID ROCK SEX TAPE, KANYE, and MADONNA

JORAN "I killed a Natalie Halloway and fed her to the sharks" VAN DER SLOOT is back in the news. He decided to sit down with ABC News and spin more lies. I was watching CNN and that pig Nancy Grace and they were having a field day. I think she (Nancy Grace) means well but she's about as bright as my mouse pad. Joran was basically making Natalie out like she was a slut. So Nancy had Natalie's mom in the studio and she asked her if Natalie was like that. WHOOOOOOO THE FUCK CARES! I don't care if Natalie was down in Aruba recruiting guys for a gangbang, she didn't deserve to die. We are so uptight in this country about sex that the media can pretty much make a villain out of an innocent person because she might have been looking to have a good time that night. ONLY BAD PEOPLE GO ON SPRING BREAK TO HOOK-UP! Riiiiiiiight. Leave Natalie's mom alone about her daughter going off with this guy. Tons of girls every night go off with people they just met and for the most part, they make it home alright. Shit, some of the longest relationships I've been in started as one night stands. Focus on the fact: This fucker, and he's two friends that tried covering for him, have gotten away with murder. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Remove one of Van Der Sloot's testicles with a knife and I'm sure he'll tell the real story.

SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE APPROVES ABORTION BAN BILL - I just want to apologize to my daughter now for bringing her into the world. If I were our president, I'd pull the troops out of Iraq and attack South Dakota immediately. It's sad that bills like that would even get approved these days. Shows that we are going backwards. Unless you are planing on taking care both physically and financially, you shouldn't be able to tell someone they can't get an abortion. I blame religion on this one. Religion reminds me of my friend Tony, who always drinks too much when we are out and ruins the whole night. Your beliefs should never get in the way of your common sense.

NEW ORLEANS - I see they are going to go forward with Mardi Gras. Who the fuck is paying for that? Aren't there still people living in hotels and make shift cardboard homes? Louisiana should change their state slogan to "Boy, we sure have our priorities fucked up." Hopefully they will have the common courtesy to step over, not on, all the homeless people in the way of their parade.

KID ROCK & THE DUDE FROM CREED - When are celebrities going to learn that if your sex gets put on tape, it's going to get out there. It's pretty much a given. You might as well get in on the action. Make a deal with the porn company that has the tape, negotiate your fee, slap the title on the box "White Trash, Used Up, and Nobody Cares," and sit back. That way the tape will go away when people realize celebrities fucking is about as interesting as two Rhinos on National Geographic.

Yesterday on the scrolling headlines on CNN, this flashed across the screen: RAY PARKER JR. releases first album of original work in over a decade. Wow, that's great. ??????? Good job Ghostbuster guy. What's more amazing is how he got CNN to run that at the bottom of the screen. Most have been a really slow day.

KANYE WEST - Check out this picture of Kanye below. Didn't he just make a song about chicks who are gold diggers? "SHE TAKES MY MONEY, I DRESS LIKE A HOMO." Sorry to all my gay readers but you have to admit, that outfit would even make Elton John yell fag while throwing a brick. There is no way that chick would be with him if he was a janitor, especially in that outfit. Look how high his pants are pulled up. There's no way he knows what he's doing. Obviously the same asshole that gives fashion advice to Andre 3000 has gotten a hold of Kanye.

Speaking of bad out fits, I guess MADONNA got rid of all the mirrors in her house. "Time goes by so slowly when you dress like an assclown." Grandma got into the costume trunk again.

2/23/06

Will update soon. Been a crazy month. I want to share something with you. Very rarely do I see something that makes me laugh so hard I cry. This made me fall out of my chair. Being a New Jersey native, I delt with a lot of these assholes:

DOUCHEBAGS

Enjoy people. I'll post soon.

1/20/06

MUFFIN TOPS, DVD'S, STEPHEN BALDWIN, PARIS, REESE "A HORSE IS A HORSE" WITHERSPOON.

I've got to catch a plane to Reno but I wanted to leave you with a little something. I'll be back soon. Anyway.....

Muffin Top - Recently, I went to the post office. It was really crowded so I took a number and sat down. The lady behind the counter called a number and this chick who weighed about 180 LBS. with a muffin top walks up. All of sudden, her cell phone goes off and her ring is that "don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song by the Pussy Cat Dolls. WTF! I almost choked on my gum. It was the funniest thing I've ever heard. It was so loud and she tried to turn it off but kept fumbling. It's bad enough if you are a hot chick and you have that song as your ringer. But to come in way over your fighting weight and have that blasting, you either are seriously delusional or you have the greatest sense of humor of all time.

DVD - Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Bueller...Bueller...Edition)- I loved this movie the first time I bought it. You know what pisses me off? When they release a DVD and then a year later, they release the same DVD on steroids with all kinds of features. Due to the fact that I'm a sucker, I always buy both versions. The funny thing is, I never watch either of the movies. Most of the time, they stay in the wrapper. Congress needs to pass a bill that states when a company decides to release a BALLS ON YOUR CHIN, FULL THROTTLE, UNCORKED, UNCENSORED, FROSTED & BUKAKKED version, you can exchange your regular one for it. The regular Ferris Bueller dvd that has just the movie. The sucker version.

Stephen Baldwin - What the fuck is wrong with you Honkey???????? This mother fucker has decided to crusade against a adult movie store. I guess Hollywood finally woke up and said "wait a second, this ass clown makes movies tank." Not much going on anymore Stephen? He said "I'm just doing what the Lord's telling me to do." The lord doesn't want you to do that, I talked to him between my meeting with the tooth fairy and my tennis session with big foot. All he wants is for you to stop making movies....like yesterday. If I owned that porn store, I'd make a deal with him. I'd draw up a contract that states "I will close this place down if you agree to never, ever, ever, ever make another movie, appear on any TV show, or stand in front of any camera. Plus you have to move to Maine and disappear." It would be worth it to me. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that his movies are more harmful than any porno. Why? Because they completely waste your time when you watch them. Life is short and you'll never get that time back when you watch a Stephen Baldwin movie. I've never watched a porno and thought I wasted my time.

Paris Hilton - Apparently she is saying some pretty funny shit at her deposition. SURPRISE! When questioned on the last name of a companion identified as Terry, who was with her on the night of the reported run-in with Graff, Hilton replied, "It is like a weird Greek name. Like Douglas." GOD DAMN I WANT TO FUCK HER. You stay the way you are baby. Keep taking drugs, making bad porno, and thinking out loud.

Reese Witherspoon - Apparently, Reese isn't aware of the situation in Iraq. She had the nerve to bitch about a dress she wore at the 2006 Golden Globes that was supposed to be one of a kind. Chanel desinged the dress three years ago, and it was worn by Kristen Dunst. OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Seriously, I don't blame her. That wasn't the worst of it. Apparently another celebrity at the same award show was wearing that dress too. It was that lovable horse from that old TV show. HI LITTLE HORSEY! If I were here, I'd be like "Do you know who I am? How the fuck are you going to let a horse wear the same designer dress as me?"

It's getting lame in here, I'm out.

1/12/06

KAHR REP BUSTIN CAPS, HOMELESS UNDER ATTACK, BRAD PITT, NICK LACHEY, & MORE.

I was at a sporting good show all last week. Normally these shows are extremely boring. As I walked in, I noticed this sign. THINGS WERE LOOKING UP! I was working as a rep for a firearm company. So basically, I stand there and show guns to potential dealers. These guns are just samples and they don't have firing pins inside of them. Even if somebody loaded the thing, it wouldn't go off. Just about every company does this to their samples. Well, not this time. There is a gun manufacturer out of Korea named Kahr Arms. Somehow, someway, they had a loaded gun with a firing pin tethered to their booth. So we are all standing in our booths and a fucking gun shot goes off. The whole place goes completely silent and then about 15 seconds later, a lady starts screaming. The rep from Kahr shot this lady in the leg. It was a hollow point and went right through her leg. Everything turned out OK in the end but that was probably some of the scariest shit I've ever been around. Anyway, I was amazed at how tough that lady was. If that was me, I'd still be screaming in crying like a bitch. If you were there and heard the scream, you'd be like "Oh my God, a chick just got shot." Then when you would turn the corner and see me, you'd go "Oh, my bad, they shot the monkey man." How fun would it be to be that guy who shot her. From here on out, he'll always be looked at as the dude that capped the chick in the leg at the show. Kahr should changer there slogan to "Our guns work on the first pull, ask the bitch we shot in the leg!"

HOMELESS - What's with all these homeless people being beaten. As if life isn't bad enough, there are actually people out there that feel the need to kick the shit out of people down on their luck. If homeless people piss you off, ignore them. I'm calling on all Americans the kick the shit out of anyone who is caught beating a homeless person.

BRAD PITT - I just read that Jennifer Aniston wasn't "alerted" by Brad Pitt about Angelina's pregnancy. That's such a woman thing. Jennifer, Brad doesn't owe you an explanation. There seems to be this general thinking between women that the world begins and ends at your vagina. It doesn't. She should be happy that he got her pregnant. Chalk it up to the grass isn't greener on the other side, there's just more grass. If I were Jennifer, I'd be like "hah, he got that bitch pregnant...have fun." Getting a girl pregnant in the honeymoon stage (AKA - cum wherever I want stage) of the relationship is just plain retarded. US Weekly should have a great time documenting the many looks of sorrow as the pregnancy moves closer to delivery date. My guess is that by the time the third trimester hits, Angelina will have broken his balls so bad that he'll want to jump out a window. Hot chicks are great until they start leaning on you.

Eminem should release a song called "I've fucking lost my GOD DAMN MIND." He's decided it would be a good idea to remarry his ex-wife. Yeah, the wife he constantly bitches about in his songs. Someone needs to walk up to him and kick him in the balls. "Yeah dude, that hurt me more than it hurt you."

LACHEY - Speaking of ex-wives, I just thought of a great reality show for Nick Lachey. The whole premise is that he tries to bang everyone of Jessica's girlfriends. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. It could be called "LAAAAA CHEY'D." You've been Laaaa chey'd! It works.

FEDERLINE - How funny is it that Kevin Federline is actually going to go forward with his album?. Memo to Vanilla Ice - If you put out an album the day Federline's comes out, you won't finish last in sales. This thing is going to be so bad. You'd think Britney would be like "Look, I know a thing or two about shitty music. I got lucky. There is no way that lightning will strike twice for this family. You're better off just doing Karaoke if you want to rap."

Alright, like a retarded bird, like a broken down plane, the super monkey is off to Minnesota till Tuesday.

1/1/06

HAPPY NEW YEAR, ASU, HILTON, SIMPSON, COLIN & MULLET MATING, & MORE BULLSHIT!

Happy New Year ya bas-tads. It's been a great year and I only hope it gets better in 06'. Thank you for all the support, fan & hate mail, donations, and death threats from men, women, and children. Now, lets get to the firstentry of the new year.

I'd like to congratulate Arizona State University (my Alma-Mata) on their "NOBODY WAS WATCHING EXCEPT THE MONKEY, THE PLAYERS PARENTS, ASU & RUTGERS STUDENTS" bowl win. Being from New Jersey, it was a lot of fun watching ASU play Rutgers. The fact that ASU actually won was a real shocker. Very similar to the feeling of the real shocker.

For the 5th year in a row, I watched the new year come in on TV. The thought of being outside in the cold with all the crowds makes me want to throw up. The older I get, the more I can't stand mass amounts of people. So anyway, the Vegas strip coverage of New Years basically blows. It makes MTV's Times Square coverage watch able. Anyways, Paris Hilton was at some club down here and the news reporter asks her what her plans are for 2006. She says "well, my album is coming out." The reporter goes "that's great." She just hands him COMEDY GOLD and he just stands there. Amazing! Instead of saying something like "what's the title of the album, NOBODY CARES & NOBODY IS GOING TO BUY IT," he drops it like Monticore dropped Roy.

05' almost ended on a real high note. We almost got rid of Ashlee Simpson once an for all while she was performing in Japan. While singing, she went down faster than a Kamikaze pilot. Just kidding Ashlee, I don't want you dead. You're actually becoming one of my favorite live performers. You never know what this chick is going to do during a live show. Get busted
lip synching, dance like an ass clown, sing way off key, get booed, or just pass out.

Check out this picture of Kevin Federline. It's digitally enhanced to show what he would look like five years. Pretty crazy.

Colin Farrel is out of control. It's a game called "Gay Chicken" and you are supposed to ease into it, not go for the open mouth kiss on the first shot.

Since we are on the subject of gay, check out Ricky Martin engaging in some "speedo wearing kung-fu." Nothing like getting oiled up in your speedo, grabbing your guy friend and letting loose. This whole thing has "bad gay movie beach scene" written all over it. I truly believe that the guys from Queer Eye would be like "God Damn,that's too gay."

On a sad note, "Blue" from Old School died. "You're my boy Blue!"

12/8/05

BAD PUBLIC SPEAKERS, RENO 911 LITE, NICK & JESS, ANGELINA & BRAD and MORE MINDLESS BANTER!

ANN COULTER TO AUDIENCE: You're stupider than I am! - Conservative columnist Ann Coulter cut short a speech at the University of Connecticut amid boos and jeers, and decided to hold a question-and-answer session instead. "I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am," Coulter told the crowd of 2,600 Wednesday. Why does this chick keep pissing people off during public speaking engagements? If she would have said that to me, I would have hit her with a "well my dad can beat up your dad." Which probably would have lead to her stomping her feet and yelling "I know you are but what am I doo doo head." Nothing like flaming out and throwing a tantrum in front of some college students (basically children with freedom). Ann, you have to come stronger than that. If the college crowd is giving you shit, you need to command their respect. Do something like take out a can of gas and douse the front row while yelling "NOT ANOTHER FUCKING WORD! YOU'RE EITHER WITH ME OR AGAINST ME" Or maybe pick out the weakest dude in the front row, make your way over to him by doing the robot dance (this way he'll just stare at you won't expect what's next), and kick him in the balls. As he fall over, squat and piss on him while yelling "WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE PRICKS IS NEXT."

NAUGHTY VIDEO GETS SF COPS IN TROUBLE. Memo to the San Francisco Police Department - Reno 911 is fake. It's just a spoof played by actors.

NICK LACHEY AND JESSICA SIMPSON - Check out my favorite picture of Nick and Jessica below.

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE - I'm I the only person who thinks that their behavior is really fucking bizarre? She gets less sexier with everything she does and he just follows her around like a lost puppy. I appreciate that fact that she does a lot of good for less fortunate people in other countries but damn, does she need a camera man with her every minute. "Here's Angelina giving a cracker to a starving Cambodian kid that has never seen one of her shitty movies." Makes sense to me. How much do you want to bet that if a homeless American walked up to her she'd spit on him and kick him in the balls. "Get the fuck out of here you homeless piece a shit! You're American plus my photographer isn't here!"

WILL SMITH - Do you ever wish that Will Smith would do a movie like "Soul Plane" or "Leprechaun - Back 2 Tha Hood"? I wonder if he even could do a movie like that. Maybe when he was the Fresh Prince but definitely not now. That would be like Eminem trying to act like a white boy with blond hair and blue eyes.

TOOKIE WILLIAMS - If this guy actually escapes the "death penalty", they need to do away with the "death penalty" as a whole. He killed four people and started the Crips, which basically means he's someway responsible for thousands of deaths due to gang violence and drugs. I saw Snoop on TV talking about how great a guy he is. Isn't Snoop a Crip? WTF. That's the wrong guy to ask. That's like asking OJ if Robert Blake deserved the death penalty. I MISSED TO SMALL YELLOW SCHOOL BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND FINALLY PEOPLE - Don't fuck around on planes. It's not worth it. They are going to investigate these Air Marshals that shot this guy who lost his shit. There's not a doubt in my mind that is was justified. Leave the Marshals alone. If you get up and yell shit like "I have a bomb," you've basically signed your death warrant. On that same note, crazy people need to take their medication.

11/24/05

Happy Thanksgiving people from EbolaMonkeyMan.com

Because I'm a giver....here are 3 things, free of charge, to be thankful for:

3. Be thankful that you got through the year without catching an STD.

2. Be thankful you are not Nick Lachey. Losing a career and now your famous hot wife.....the only way it could get worse for him this year is if he loses a testical to a pitbull or something.

1. And the #1 reason to be thankful....you weren't born American Indian during the time Columbus discovered the land they were living on. Genocide - we gave it a holiday people.....HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

11/11/05

COPS, PIRATES, DRUNKEN MOOSE, CELLPHONES, GOT MILK AND SUGE...errrrr....JANET JACKSON

I'm not dead people, I've just been traveling.

COPS - I was watching "Cops" the other day and they had a sting set up where they were busting guys trying to pick up prostitutes. I was so embarrassed for those guys. Almost as embarrassed as I get when I see Paul Wall. Every one of them was like "NO! I wasn't trying to pick up a prostitute. We was just talking." It's funny how I don't get embarrassed for hookers when they get busted on cops. I started thinking about what I would do if I went to pick up a hooker and all of a sudden the show Cops popped out and I was arrested. Instead of going the "we was just talking" route, I'd be like "no, I'm the hooker. I thought she wanted to give me $10 to blow me. There's been a misunderstanding. Go ahead and arrest me, but let it show on the record that I'm the hooker." Yeah, definitely better to be the hooker than the john.

I saw this headline on CNN: "Soldiers abused by insurance agents: A report next week will detail abuses by insurance agents. What can be done to right these wrongs?" Now the insurance industry can safely say they've abused EVERYBODY in the world.

PIRATE ATTACK REPELLED BY CRUISE SHIP CREW - Did anyone else find this story odd? Can you imagine what the captain of the cruise ship said over the intercom. "Hi passengers, Captain Merrill Stubing here....um....I'm sure many of you have been to Disneyland or at least seen Pirates of the Caribbean once in your life. Anyway, remember those lovable pirates that you saw? Well, there attacking the ship right now. Only difference is that these pirates have rocket launchers....but everything will be OK...Issac, Doctor Bricker, Vicki, Judy, and good old Yeoman-Purser Burl 'Gopher' Smith are doing everything in their power to keep us alive." OK, I'm showing my age on this one.

DRUNKEN MOOSE INVADE ELDERLY HOME - They rarely have problems with drunks or rowdy animals, but residents of an elderly home in southern Sweden had to deal with both when a pair of intoxicated moose invaded the premises. God damn those moose know how to party! Many of you have witnessed the drunken Ebola Monkey Man but not these moose. These mother fuckers bring the party to your house. I like that. That's ambition at it's finest.

THIEF ROBS BANK WHILE CHATTING ON PHONE - Some chick described as well-spoken, with a slight Hispanic accent robbed a bank in Virginia while talking on her cell phone. That's so Los Angeles - the whole doing things while talking on your cell phone. I can think of about 1000 better disguises off the top of my head. "They'll never recognize me if I'm talking on my cell phone." I could only imagine what the conversation was like: "Hey girl, I'm just down at the bank robbing this mutha fucka!"

GOT MILK - You know those milk mustache ads that are in magazines? I can't tell if they are ads for milk, cocaine, or porn dvd covers. Damn Arizona State degree!

Finally, take a look at the jogging picture below. Death Row back up in this bitch....IT'S GOOD TO SEE THAT SUGE KNIGHT IS TRYING TO GET BACK IN SHAPE! Oh, my bad, that's Janet Jackson. Holy shit Janet, what happened? Lay off the cookies and ice cream.

10/18/05

BAD MARKETING, BAD MUSIC, AND BAD MOVIES!

I was in Utah this week so I apologize for not returning emails and updating. I'll be in Los Angeles next week and Reno the following so I'll be out of touch for awhile. I've been busy but I'm slowly getting it together. There will be a new Monkey Pox scam submission later this week. It's pretty good.

BURGER KING - Does anyone else get freaked out by these commercials? These commercials are scarier than most horror movies. Tell me the Burger King commercial where the King is sitting at the dude's window when he opens the curtains isn't scarier than the Ring or the Ring 2. If I opened my window to that guy, I'd scream like Mariah (why don't you have some dirty hot sex with me / I loved you when you went crazy on TRL) Carey when she hits those high notes. Good marketing job...."lets scare the shit out of the viewers. That should make them want to eat burger king." That commercial should have ended with the Burger King taking an axe to the guy and then the voice over going "Unfortunately, Dave ate at McDonalds. The Burger King paid him a little visit. Don't be next. Have it your way at Burger King."

speaking of marketing.....

WELLS FARGO - This is my bank. They have to be the slowest bank on the planet. Whoever came up with the idea to have the wagon pulled by horses in the logo hit it right on the head. When I think of speed, I think of a formula 1 race card. When I think of Wells Fargo and moving slow, I think of a wagon.

SPRINT - This is my cell phone company. Now they were way off when they came up with their name. Every time I go into a Sprint store, it's a minimum of 2 hours before I can leave. They are the slowest when it comes to customer service. When I think of the word Sprint, I think of speed. Speed and Sprint stores don't go together. They should change their name to CRAWL. Be honest. Their tag line could go something like this - CRAWL: Sure we are slow, but at least we are cheap.

Music Biz Sings for Hurricane Victims. Hurricane Relief: Come Together Now will be released in mid-November, the record companies announced Monday. Do "We Are the World" type songs appeal to anyone anymore? I can't imagine what these songs could be about. Maybe something like this:

"There comes a time, when we get hit by a fucking category 5 hurricane, when the streets are littered with sewer and rain. When we can get mad at the government that they don't help people who live in places that get hit with hurricanes over and over again fast enough."

"We'll steal your TV, we'll loot the Heineken, we'll shoot at the ambulances who try to help us, we'll euthanize our old people!"

ROCKY 6 - :HPIO:POIJ :OIL:KFKDJEL KFJLEJFFLK EJFOJOIEJOIJF IOEJF{HBGH Sorry, I was just banging my fucking head against the keyboard. I couldn't get anyone to even look at the script I wrote (Four Steps to Closure) and someone is making Rocky fucking six. I would rather watch a movie about a monkey at the zoo that throws his own shit at people. I've lost all hope in hollywood. Keep making shit fellas.

SPEAKING OF MOVIES: For those that know me, you know I'm a huge zombie movie fan (even though most zombie movies suck). Anyway, I finally saw Undead (Australian Zombie flick). The movie started off great, then quickly spiraled out of control. I mean the plane crashed into the mountain, the shark ate the boat. WTF?????? It goes from good zombie movie to shitty alien flick. On a good note, I just got Land of the Dead on DVD. Even though it was the weakest of the Romero films, I still like it. Maybe it's my soft spot for George or something.

I'm done. I love you all.

10/4/05

"So my number one job is to keep her off the pole."

It's been a long time, I shouldn't of left you, without some mindless banter to read to, read to....read to, read to. Where have I been? I moved to Las Vegas, had a daughter, and took some time off. That's right, I made a baby. Scary because I've never thought of myself as family guy, but I'm working it out. For those that know me personally, it's even a bigger shock. And yes, I've already apologized to her for all the things I'll do wrong. I'm confident I'll figure this out and I've made a promise to myself that she won't ever hate me.

I live in a great place in Vegas. I joined a gym. It's the greatest people watching joint in the planet. Every time I work out, I'm like "Stripper, call girl, bouncer, call girl, stripper, stripper, bouncer, call girl...." 24 Hour Fitness, it's fantastic.

PETA - Peta has decided to go to war with Elle McPherson. Great idea. Going to war with the model, that's going to help rid the world of fur coat fans. "Quick, there she is, throw a bucket of paint on her!" Doo doo de dumb. Elle McPherson probably doesn't know the difference between fur and cotton. "You mean this is made out of Parakeet fur?????? Really?" Memo to Peta - get the attention of the consumer, not the model. She's just trying to make a living.

KATE MOSS - God Damn I want to party with you. WHITE LINES - (white lines) vision dreams of passion (going through my mind) and all the while I think of you (pipeline) a very strange reaction (yours to unwind) the more I see, the more I do. I saw the video cutie. You're a mess and I find it sexy as hell.

PAUL WALL makes Eminem look really white. Like as white as Bill Gates. How embarrassing! I want to apologize to any of my black fans for Paul Wall. I would say "just send him back" but I think he's too far gone.

BUSH Nominates Miers - THAT'S A MAN BABY!!!!

I know this is late but being that I missed a month and a half. To those effected by the hurricanes:

THE SOUTH - Maybe living in a place where hurricanes strike isn't such a good idea.

TEXAS - I've always been hard on you, but you stepped up. Great job.

THE LOOTERS - "We were only stealing necessities." Yeah, beer and TV's are essential to survival. Sounds about right.You should have been shot on site. You know it, I know it, and the rest of the people in their right minds know it. May you die of syphilis, slowly.

NATALIE HALLOWAY - Damn that hurricane! Blew you off the TV. Sad thing is, they let the people that killed you go.

OK, I'm off. I just want to leave you with this:

FUCK TARGET, the only thing that store is good for is actually using it for.......a target.

8/13/05

I opened an email from a guy named John to find this:

Nice website. I have wasted several hours of work reading and laughing my ass off at your work and I just wanted to say a big thank you.

Anyway here is my problem – Where the fuck are you? I mean if your going to run this site – then run the fucking thing! Every time I check to see what’s new either there is nothing or just some stupid bitch session about you and your dumb assed trip. If you want a “Love me because I am beautiful” site like Britney or the Olson twins then do it! Otherwise straighten the fuck up and get some new material going!

Look at it this way if you cant drive the fucking car then at least hand the fucking keys over to someone who can.

I had some friends over and I read it out loud and they were all like "ohhhh, how are you going to respond?" The truth is, the only response I have is "dude, you're right." I haven't pulled off a scam bait in about a year. The reason: it isn't fun anymore. I've said this before and I'm going to say it again. When I started the site in 2001, there were only two other sites like mine. They weren't even like mine to be honest. They were more PC and watered down. I WAS THE ONE THAT JUMPED ON THE GRENADE AND SHOWED EVERYONE IT WAS OK TO FUCK AROUND WITH THESE ASSHOLES. 4 years later, and hundreds of death threats from the witch doctors and voodoo makers of Africa and I'm still standing, yeah yeah yeah. I believe creativity is what makes the scam bait. It was fun making people laugh by coming up with these elaborate stories and watching these thieves jump through hoops to steal money. Back then, it was so easy to be creative. As time went on and my site got more publicity, it became more of a job. I never meant for the site to be seen by anyone by my co-workers and family. The fun got sucked out of it. I started wondering how I was going to top my last bait. Then came the clones (Monkey Pox). It was great to see my readers start branching off and creating their own sites. Shit, some of copy cat sites looked better than my cheesy looking site (SELF TAUGHT, YEAH!). As great as it was to see the world get hip to the 419 scam through the media pub and the copy cat sites, it was a shame to see us kill the Golden Goose. Scammers started getting wise to the whole "take a picture holding a sign that says NUTZONMYCHIN, INC." It got to the point where 4 out of 5 scammers that I emailed knew something was up after response #2. So what did I do? Just quit and started the diary section for the die hard fans. Deep inside, I knew the diary was just throwing the readers a bone, knowing damn well I'll never do another bait. I feel very good about being one of the original pioneers of Scam baiting. I also feel like I went out on top. I've got a good library of scam baits that people like, and that makes me happy.

I'm tired people. Between working two jobs, running ebolamonkeyman.com, driving my soul mate who hates me crazy, drinking, poppin' happy pills, living life to the fullest (those that know me understand), and trying to keep everyone laughing....I'm burnt. Oh, before I forget to mention, I'm TIRED OF NOT GETTING PAID real money for this. I love my fans but "No, I don't want to help you with your scam, No...I don't want to write for you magazine for free, No...I don't want to speak at your convention for free, No...I don't want to help you write your movie script using my immature humor, No...I will not sleep with your wife as a token of your appreciation (OK, I don't get this one but a guy can dream). If someone has something for me that can benefit both of us, I'm all yours.

Anyway, so I agree with John and his email but did he have to be so harsh. Did you have to compare me to Britney and the Olson twins? I mean, if you are going to compare me to a girl, couldn't it be Justin Timberlake (she's so pretty and she can dance)? I'm ready to pass the keys over to the next driver. Until someone steps up, I'm going to post in my shitty lame diary and complain about current events, MTV, and how ANDY FUCKING MILONAKIS..shouldn't have his own god damn show. I'm dying here.

On that note, I leave you with two great pictures of me.

PS - It's not a good time to be a boy scout right now. You guys are under attack. Just an FYI.

7/23/05

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, 3 O'CLOCK HIGH, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN ANDY MILONAKIS TO ME? and JUDE LAW'S PENIS NEEDS A REALITY SHOW!

DEVIL'S REJECTS - Loved it. One of the better movies I've seen in a long time. Certainly better than that pussy ass War of the Worlds...anyway, I actually enjoyed it more than the first movie. It actually made sense. Every time this guy does something, he moves higher up on my list of great people. He makes good movies, he seems cool, and he makes great sex/stripper music. BRAVO - take a bow Rob.

Speaking of great movies, I just watched 3 O'clock High. Nothing like a solid 80's movie to cheer you right up.

Can someone please explain Andy Milonakis??????? It's not even funny. What type of crack was Jimmy Kimmel smoking when he gave this tool his own show? I want some! I guess I just don't get it. I mean, yeah, THE SUPER BOWL IS GAY was pretty funny but not "here's your own show" funny. I've been busting my ass for 3 years with ebolamonkeyman.com and all I get is radio interviews, magazine articles, and a couple of speaking engagements. I WANT MY OWN FUCKING SHOW. I can act retarded too. Hell, I am retarded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My new favorite thing: Mash Ups. If you want to here two amazing CD's go get: DJ Muggs mixtape - Rock SuperStar & DJ Muggs & DJ Warrior mixtape - Mash-Up Radio. The two best Mash Ups that I've heard are Whole Lotta Biggie and the Beatles Vs. Obie Trice (reminds me of Corky Thatcher). http://www.mixtapesusa.com/blrosumaradj.html

JUDE LAW....What the fuck bro?????? Everybody creeps (pretty much everyone) and I know that but damn you are lacking some basic rules. Jude has been eating retard sandwiches again. PUT THEM DOWN AND LISTEN. #1 - Don't shit in your own backyard. There's a huge population of women out there, find one in another state/country if you have to get laid that bad. #2 - Don't tell the chick you are creeping with that she's special. You are just asking for trouble. Never a good idea, especially when you are famous. #3 - Take a cue from old Charlie Sheen, go get a high priced call girl. You can afford it. Charlie once said that he doesn't pay them for sex, he pays them to GO AWAY. #4 Finally, LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Mother fucker was begging to get caught. On that note, I'd like to lobby for Jude's pennis to get his own reality show.

Well, that's it for me. I'm off to Dayton for three days.

And remember people, have your Jude Law spade or neutered!

7/18/05

Scottsdale, Vegas, Janice Dickhead, and a bunch of mindless banter!

I'm back from my Scottsdale, AZ and Las Vegas, NV trip. I will get to everyone's emails in a couple of days. I need some time to Detox. The trip was insane. Met some great new friends along with catching up with the old ones: My beautiful cousin Jen, Miller, Chris Dallas, Perry, Little Angel and Co., Nate, Pete & Megan (you two run the best Gold's Gym in the country), Courtney (yeah, I saw your scene in Garden State), Anna, Derrick (win your next race for the Monkey) and Brian Kirgin over at Skin, Rain, and Ghost Bar. If you are in Scottsdale, you should check out Pussycat Lounge, Salty Senorita, Suede, Seven, the J Bar, and the pool at the James Hotel. While I was in Las Vegas, I stayed at the Wynn hotel. We got comped some amazing rooms. My bathroom even had a flat screen TV. So I have to thank Steve B for the hook up and the amazing time. The hotel was great. I've pretty much stayed at every hotel in Vegas and I got to say, this is one of the best. The only complaint is the damn elevators. I was on the 59th floor and every time me and my friends went to use the elevator, it took us 15 minutes. They were too small and there weren't that many. Besides that, I give the hotel and A. For all my friends, lets do this Vegas thing again in Feb.

I've been watching Surreal Life. I like seeing the personalities of these people. I really do. For example, after watching this season, I can safely say that I wouldn't mind hanging out with any of them. EXCEPT JANICE DICKINSON. That bitch has got some nerve and makes me want to jump out a fucking window. I saw this episode where they were blowing against a mentally handicap team. Here's the deal, when you are fat, you really shouldn't pick on other fat people. It's like an unwritten rule. So being that Janice is a retard, she shouldn't be making fun of the mentally handicap. She's not even the good retarded, she's the worst kind. I'd hang out with any of those kids before I pissed on fire to put Janice out. Those people can't help it, she chooses to be a stupid retard. If I was one of the mentally challenged kids on the other team, I'd be like "Damn, that Janice chick is retarded as a mutha fucka!" Corky Thatcher from Life Goes On probably thinks she's too retarded. If I were Jose Canseco, I'd try to get her in bed simply so I could put one of those red S & M balls in her mouth to shut her up. Jose has no shame, he's been known to smack a girl around. The minute she called the kid retarded, he should have back handed her. At least shook the shit out her. NOTE: I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN, UNLESS IT'S JANICE DICKINSON. Memo to Janice - It's over doll, let go, nobody remembers you as a super model. You're just another pretty face these days with a really bad attitude.

I see that Eminem my retire early - I'm begining to believe there is a god! Thanks Em, that would be great.

Village People Cop Busted - isn't that ironic? YMCA. I hope he hit the cops with "Do you know who I am?????" That would be classic.

I was just listening to that Destiny's Child song "Cater 2 U." The lyrics go like this:

Promise You (Promise You)I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah) You Fell In Love With (Yeah)
I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy
Let Me Cater To You Cause Baby This Is Your Day
Do Anything For My Man Baby You Blow Me Away
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You
Inspire Me From The Heart, Can't Nothing Tear Us Apart
You're All That I Want In A Man; I Put My Life In Your Hands
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want, I Want To Cater To You

Who are they trying to fool?????? Chicks always complain about guys lying and that right there raises the bullshit flag. Every chick I know that's married has basically let go. So anyways, I wrote my version, which consists of the truth:

Promise You (Promise You)I'll completely change (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah Right) You Fell In Love With (Yeah Right)
I'll Keep It Loose, I'll gain at least 23 pounds and constantly ask you if I look fat, I'll stop wearing my extension, Keep Rocking The stretch pants!
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over and scream at you, I'm Here To nag you!
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy All I Want To Do, Is YELL AT You Boy
Let Me YELL AT You
Won't do shit For My Man Baby except push you Away
I spend your money, suck your soul, drain you mentally, And no more blowjobs!
Anything You Want Just Let Me YELL AT You
No more hanging with your boys, no more playing basketball, and no more spontaneous sex.
I'll throw fits like a diva, even though all the money is technically yours. I won't laugh at your jokes anymore.
I'll talk about my work and people you don't know for hours, yeah, all for my man.
I'll make my father hate you. LIES LIES LIES

This song could go on for days. I just think it's funny to hear a girl sing about shit like that.

Pictures of the trip coming soon! Go out and support my man Richard Cheese. The new album is in stores now.

6/18/05

I'M COMING OUT, I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW!

You know when people say "you learn a lot about yourself over the years"? Well, I learned a lot about myself over one email. Apparently I'm gay and live in Canada but currently working in Bogotá, Colombia. LOL, dying on the floor laughing OUT FUCKING LOUD!!!!!! I've heard of this happening to famous people and hot chicks, but not losers like me. He actually took my THINGS ABOUT ME section and changed certain aspects.

I opened my email box to this message:

Hi Michael,

Having seen your photos previously, and reading your self-description there, I was a bit surprised to see the same photos popping up here:
http://www.bigmuscle.com/profile.phtml?uid=MusclesAndTatts
from someone calling himself Kevin. I trust that you can't be both Michael and Kevin, both from Ohio and Canada, and both straight and gay at the same time. Amusingly, a lot of the self description is the same as well, so more than just the photos have been reused...

When I clicked on the link, I spit my water out. All these questions ran through my mind: Who is this clown? Has my image and my personality traits gotten him laid (God knows it doesn't work for me)? Did he have to make me seem sooooo gay? Jewel's Spirit (favorite album). I mean come on.

My metro sexualness has caught up with me. This is what I get for not having chest hair. :) The worst part about it all is that this is not what I'd be like gay. I was raised by queens, so I know how I'd be. Please feel free to drop this douche bag a line and tell him he's a fake. Tell him that you knew it wasn't real because Mike is way more flaming than that. LOL

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go trade fashion tips with Elton John....

6/15/05

ME BEING SHITTY AT UPDATING, MICHAEL JACKSON, NATALEE HOLLOWAY, BRITNEY & PIMP OF THE YEAR, BEN & JEN, TOM & KATIE ON E Pt. 2, and CELEBRITIES THAT TRY TO LOOK LIKE MY DOG.

Shit, along time has passed since I've updated. I apologize. I always mean to update but I never get down to it. Story of my life. Let's dive in.

Michael Fucking Jackson. Looks like Michael is just as bullet proof as a Catholic Priest. Ahhhh, to be a celebrity in California....a guy can dream. If I was the DA in the case I'd look at the camera and go "fuck it, I surrender." What else does this guy have to do to children to get busted? Hold on a second, my "ADULT ALARM" is going off...........................................................................Oh, OK...It was nothing....Anyway. See how creepy that sounds? As parents, we should all know to keep our children away from Catholic Priest, guys who drive and sell ice cream, and now MICHAEL JACKSON!

Natalee Holloway & Aruba - I feel so bad for this girls family. Everytime I turn on the news and see how the police down there have turned this case into a giant buttfuck-a-thon, it makes me sad. Everybody knows those three kids did something, yet they seem to be jerking us off in the media. I have the solution. If I was the cheif of police in Aruba, I'd sit those three kids in a room. I'd start with Joran Van Der Sloot (the last one to see her alive), and I'd cut his pinky finger off. Then I'd take out a stop watch and say "for every minute that goes by that you don't say anything, I'm going to cut off another finger." Something tells me that one of them would speak up. Just a hunch. Oh, and I'd have the dude from the Green Mile stand behind them so when they asked why he's in the room, I could say "he'll be fucking you in the ass when I'm done!"

Britney Spears (SEE PICTURE BELOW) - If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times. Kevin Federline is the PIMP of the YEAR. I just picture him going "you better walk you fat bitch. Where's my latte? Did you drink half of it? Does Kevin have to choke a bitch?????"

Tom and Katie (SEE PICTURE BELOW) - Was I right or was I right people?. I told you Tom and Katie are constantly on E.

Ben and Jen (SEE PICTURE BELOW) - Hi, we're homeless. Do you have any change to spare?

My Lou Dog - For those of you that know me, you know how much my Lou Dog means to me. She's my crazy party shitzu. You all should remember her from the night her and Nick Nolte took some E and GHB and got busted (SEE PIC BELOW). Apparently her hair cut is sweeping Hollywood by storm. First Mr. Nolte, then the little Gotti retards, now Judd Nelson. Listen, it's cool to say you love Lou Dog...hell, everybody does...but get your own style please. It's gettin' to be ri-goddam-diculous people.......LOU DOG ROCKS BITCHES!

I love you and miss you all. Thank you for the emails.

6/2/05

Tom Cruise, Lindsey Lohan, Michael Jackson, and WTF??? RODMAN.

What the hell is going on with Tom Cruise? Dude, chill out on the E. I smell my own man. To be that high on life without X would be pretty difficult to do. He's acting like Pepe Le Pue with Katie Holmes. Plus he thinks he's a therapist now. It's easy to be happy when you have millions of dollars......um.....and E. Please get hit by a tidal wave Tom.

Lindsey Lohan got her car ran into by a photographer and suffered some injuries. Watch her fragile frame! She's probably feeling down and I have the perfect thing to make her feel better.......a poem.

Dear Lindsey.....

I love you on coke, I love you on E
I love you on K, I love you on G
The rumors, baby don't fight it
Keep your head up, be proud of your crystal meth diet
The way you stay out so late to party is scary
Crazy bitch, like TRL and Mariah Carey
Your new figure is the best,
Now drink this bong water and give me some of your meth!
I LOVE YOU.

That should win her over. I love how everyone is making a big deal about her wait. She's freaking partying people. Leave her alone. Yeah, I know....I'm just tying to bone her and get some of her stash but so what.

Closing arguments in the Michael Jackson case today. Wouldn't be great if they just came back and said "we've decided to throw everyone involved in jail....that means the freak, the parents, and the lawyers." A guy can dream.

Check out this picture of Dennis Rodman. What is wrong with this brother?????? Honkey PLEASE!

MY SITE, MUNCHKINS, CHAPPELLE SHOW, BAM, and THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING!

I hired a friend of mine to redesign my YourGunParts.com site. He made a mockup for me to check out the other day. See the picture below. He's like "what do you think?" I'm like "it's, um, good." It would be good, if I sold my customers were only military, militia, guerilla freedom fighters, anti-terrorist groups, etc..... I'm like "John, lose the camo colors and dudes with guns in your face and we are on to something."

Time for the news:

OLDEST LIVING MUNCHKIN TELLS ALL: There is no GOD! Just kidding. He didn't say that but I'm surprised he wouldn't. He's 4-foot-7 and 89 years old. I'd be one bitter fucking munchkin. Then again, he's probably a lot stronger than I am.

CHAPPELLE'S PRODUCITON SUSPENDED

WHAAAAAAAAAAT! Oh great, that means more fucking reruns on Comedy Central of the first two seasons. Look, no matter how you cut up the old shows, it's not fooling anyone. "Chappelle Show: the Charlie Murphy Skits" "Chappelle Show: The Best of Season 1" Chappelle Show: The Best of the Best." IT'S ALL THE FUCKING SAME ONES! OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Can someone tell me why Bam Margera is doing Right Guard commercials? Does he really need the money that bad? Doesn't seem cool for some reason. I could see him doing it if he could do things like throw cans of Right Guard at his parents while they sleep at 3AM.

Chalk it up to one of those great mysteries of the world: Why is Paris Hilton famous, why do the Olsen twins dress like they are homeless, why won't Angelina Jolie make a sex tape that gets stolen, how close were we to seeing Britney do Bukkake, what the fuck happened to Bone Thugs N Harmony's music, where is Chris Tucker, why did Michael Jackson have to die after Thriller, why are the reruns of Chappelle Show always on when I turn on Comedy......oh, I already covered that.

Ron Jeremy to Oxford.....Ebola Monkey Man to Mensa....Enough said.

AND THE THANK YOU AWARD OF THE WEEK GOES TO TOM CRUISE:

From Katie Holmes: Thank you Tom, thank you for fucking me in the mouth and leaving me the wonderful present of HERPES. You're the best Tom.

MY SIMPLE LIFE, HASPEL, MISSING FINGERS, KID N PLAY (WTH?)

I went and saw Crash yesterday. Great movie. One of the better movies that I've seen in awhile.

My arm is finally healed. I think I should be done with the complete sleeve on my right arm by the next sitting. Conan might be able to pull of the most amazing cover-up of all time. Hopefully he'll email me some of the pics that he took while I was down there. I'm so fucking tired of tattoos. I just want to be done. I'm getting old.

Speaking of pics, I got one from the Haspel event that I returned to modeling for. I look like a 40 year old. I'm supposed to be getting more pics so I'll post them when they get here. They sent me the newspaper article that it appeared in and it wasn't so bad. I don't think I'm a blazer and jeans type of guy. Oh well.

I had my house painted yesterday. It cost me $700. The only reason it bugs me is that I'm selling it. I don't even get to enjoy the new paint job. I can't wait to get out of this fucking state. I miss sun. I've always said that the Midwest is "where dreams go to die" and I feel stronger about that everyday. I feel like my moods will be better when I'm in Arizona.

RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) -- To a dessert shop customer, the severed fingertip found in a pint of frozen custard could be worth big dollars in a potential lawsuit. To the shop worker who lost it, the value is far more than monetary. But Clarence Stowers still has the digit, refusing to return the evidence so it could be reattached. And now it's too late for doctors to do anything for 23-year-old Brandon Fizer.

If I was Brandon Fizer, I'd make it my life mission to cram that finger up Stowers ass. We live in such a sue happy world, that dude wouldn't give the finger back so he can cash in. Stupid fuck. Even without the finger, he still had a case to sue. Fair is fair. Clarence Stowers should be forced to have one of his fingers cut off so we can save another stupid lawsuit.

Despite the propitious timing of his revelation, Clark denies that airing the Abdul affair is part of a marketing ploy to hawk books or CDs. His self-titled debut, including the tracks "Wiggle and Shake," "Chance to Dance," "Paulatics" and "Follow That Back," which features a cameo from Kid of Kid 'N Play, hits stores June 21.

What is wrong with the above paragraph? Can you see what just pops out and hits you with the strange glove? If you are my age, it jumps out of the screen. KID FROM KID 'N PLAY????? WTF? He's still alive? Talk about killing your album before it comes out. Couldn't Corey get any real rappers to make a cameo? They must have been all busy. I wonder how Play feels about this? Play is probably sitting there going "that bastard, I was the clown with the 10 ft. high hair that gave us an identity and he doesn't even have the common courtesy to invite me on that shitty record! O la O la eh."

Hi, I'm the massive tool on the left.

JENNIFER WILBANKS, WTF TEXAS, PAT O'BRIEN, PAULA ABDUL, IS HE BLACK?, NIN, LOTHD, & LIMP BIZKIT.

This came from the dude that was supposed to marry Jennifer Wilbanks (horse face killa *SEE PIC BELOW). "My commitment before God to her was the day I bought that ring and put it on her finger, and I'm not backing down from that," Mason told Fox. Come back little horsey, I'll marry you. Dude, is it that bad. Can't find any other girls. What's wrong with that guy. If she did that to me and someone asked me that, I'd be like "Hell NO! I hope that bitch dies from Syphilis of the eyes after filming a Bukkake film! If that is even possible."

From Fox News - "Texas House Approves Suggestive Cheerleading Ban." We are going backwards as a country folks. Texas, stop being gay.

Television host Pat O'Brien says he didn't escape into alcohol rehabilitation to avoid embarrassing stories about obscene telephone calls he made that were circulating on the Internet. "I fled because I was dying," O'Brien said. "Thank God on some level this happened, and I'm not dead." Oh really?????? Cool, now lets go get some hookers and coke. How dare he put down those obscene phone calls. That's what made him fucking cool again. Actually, it's what made him cool for the first time.

Claim: 'Idol' entrant had Abdul affair. I couldn't care less about who Paula Abdul bangs. It shouldn't even be an issue. What pisses me off about this situation is that it just proves that I might of had a shot with Paula, if I just had the opportunity to meet her. Kind of like Britney. When I hear about these famous chicks bang these regular losers, like me, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough.

Let's play a game. Here's the quote "He ain't gettin no interviews, I'm fine, but he ain't gettin no interview." Now you tell me, is he a black or white dude? That's Jason Williams (AKA White Chocolate or AKA DOUBLE NEGATIVE if you ask me) from the Memphis Grizzles. He said that after he exploded on a reporter in the locker room. He was dressed like he was part of the G-Unit. Very embarrassing.As a white man, I'd like to apologize to all black people for Jason. Please send DOUBLE NEGATIVE back to us when you tire of his antics.

www.landofthedeadmovie.net - June 24. Finally, something to look forward to seeing.

Direct from limpbizkit.com: "Whatever your plans are for your next music purchase be sure to make the NINE INCH NAILS/WITH TEETH your priority."

Then download "Touch My Balls And My Ass" by Fred Durst as it's the best thing he's put out in years thanks to the chick he's banging in it. Rage Against the Machine called and they want THE UNQUESTIONABLE TRUTH PART 1 back.

For all the guys out there who have heard that "all men are dogs." We are going to need a bigger boat!

As for dogs, she looks and runs like one.

SCHIAVO, WEISE, COUEY, PETERSON, & O'BRIAN - I'M PRAYING FOR TIDAL WAVES

Some say the end is near.Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

I'm traveling for the next month so I'm going to get it all out now. I've got Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, and Houston coming up.

People always ask me why I read magazines like US Weekly and watch shows like Behind the Blow errrr.....Music. I've never had a great excuse until now. From here on out, I will now say because of the month of March 2005. It's months like these that make me feel sorry for the troops over in the Middle East. They got to sitting there going "ummmmm, guys, there's a war over here. You know that, right? FOCUS!"

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Terri Schiavo - I hate to say it, but it's time to go. I really feel bad about the cards this girl has been dealt but shit, this is taking up too much WHATEVER (resources, money, media attention, government, etc). There is no way this taking up this much of the news. Unless the war is over, we've cured AIDS, Cancer is gone, unemployment is under 1%, I'm the president of the WORLD (insert sinister laugh), then I don't want to hear another word. I have a friend who is super religious (like that isn't scary enough) say that she deserves to live. Ever since I've known this guy, he's always talked about how great heaven is. That heaven is better than life itself. Now by that rational, what's the big deal about letting her go on to the "better life." Of course my friend has now response. Terri seems like a decent human, I mean, when she was functional. I'm sure the big imaginary friend for grownups in the sky won't shut her out. Let her go. In my heart of hearts, I can't believe that if someone faced with the option of being an vegetable (face it people, that's basically what she's been reduced to. Take it up with God, not me) or death, they wouldn't choose to be at peace. I'm not being hypocritical either, if I'm in that situation, please kill me or let me die. If I change my mind while I'm a vegetable, let me live with that. Life is tough enough when you are 100% functional.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

Jeff Weise, the 16 year old American Indian Nazi (WTF???????? Is that even right?) who decided one day to fucking take out another school. This kid was apparently going on websites and giving away clues to his mind state. How did we miss that? Something has to be done about these people who openly express their negative feelings towards others. I know for a fact that certain cops racial profile. I have friends who have done nothing more than drive while being black or Mexican and have gotten harassed by cops. So why can't we profile these assholes that belong to Nazi hate sites? If a person gets on a website and starts talking crazy shit, we should probably pay a little more attention. People are so concerned with keeping these sick fucks quiet when we should be encouraging them to be louder. That way, we can keep an eye on them. They should be treated no different than terrorists. You go on a hate site and contribute to it, you should expect heat.

On the other side of it, something has to be done about the bullying that goes on in school. I went to a lot of schools in my time and have seen the things that kids do that could drive any insecure person to go pick up a gun. Teenagers can be stone cold ruthless, like sharks to blood in the water. As someone who went to 4 high schools, I know how tough it can be. I always made it a point to be generally nice to everyone I came across in school and it paid off in the end. Hell, some of the same kids that people tortured, helped me pass my classes and turned out to be great friends. I didn't like everyone I met in school, and I completely ignored those people. Didn't make fun of them, just ignored them. As a matter of fact, I won't bust your balls if I don't like you. I'll just pretend that your not there. I hope a lot of these bullies are starting to take notice that the trend is moving more towards the fucked up kid bringing a gun to school, eventually making that time you embarrassed him in front of your click not seem like such a good idea.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes.
Learn to swim.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and Fuck your short memory.
Learn to swim.
Fuck smiley glad-hands With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional, Insecure actresses.
Learn to swim.

John Evander Couey. DIE DIE DIE. If a man admits to killing and raping a child, he should be shot right there on the spot. At the time of admission to guilt, he offers nothing more to society except wasted money, wasted resources, and heartache. I don't know how the arresting officers had the control to not shoot on site. People always tell me that I have no business playing God and deciding who should stay, and who should go. I can't think of a better answer than "yes, yes I do." That's when the blank stare comes at me. Anyway, I think I'd be a good judge of who deserves death. If we don't kill them, at least let them get publicly ass fucked. Let me reiterate my stance on public ass fuckings:

Every horrible crime that you commit would result in publicly televised ass fucking. Imagine how much the crime rate would go down if there were public ass fuckings. Like the days when they chopped off your head except they get 10 big dudes that look like the guy in the movie The Green Mile to just rail you in front of millions of viewers.

P. 1 "lets go rob houses for extra money"
P. 2 "no thanks man"
P. 1 "why not?"
P. 2 "because I don't want to get caught and get publicly ass fucked. I've seen the look on those dudes faces."

You know the crime rate would go down. Nobody wants to be "that guy" for the rest of his life.

Cuz I'm praying for rain And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way. I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down. I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

"Scott Peterson Attracting Female Fans" - Good idea ladies. Nothing better than falling for a guy who will KILL YOU when he gets tired of you. Remember how Monticore the tiger attacked "the Tigers would never attack me" Roy. Figure it out. WEAREGOINGTONEEDABIGGERBOAT.com - there will soon be a place for you ladies.

Pat O'brien - Leave this man alone. So what that he tried to get this chick to join him in a threesome. So what that he's on tape saying things like "Let's have fucking sex and drugs and just go crazy. You're fucking sexy, I want to go crazy with you." So what if they got pictures of him jerking off. It should have no effect on whether or not he should be allowed to bring us entertainment news. Hell, we let child molesting catholic priests talk for God. What's the big deal? I've only got one thing to say to Pat; GOD DAMN YOU KNOW HOW TO PARTY MAN!

I wanna see it all come down.
put it down.
suck it down.
flush it down.

EBOLA MONKEY MAN: THE SIM

This is what I'd look like if I was a SIM (brought to you by rosegardenofwhores.com). For those of you that know me, she did an excellent job of recreating me as a video game character. YOU ROCK DOLL!

WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY WORLD, THE SHOCKER, 50 CENT STAYING HUMBLE AND A WTF MOMENT

So what's been going on with me lately? I've been traveling and found it hard to sit down and write. To my fans, I apologize. People are always asking me when I'm going to go after another scammer. The truth is, I don't know. I find it more amusing to just keep the diary going. I'm contemplating making another site but I'm not sure if I want to put the time into it. If I do it, I want to do it right. It wouldn't have anything to do with scammers, but it would be just as funny and I think everyone could relate.

As far as ebolamonkeyman.com, I got an interesting email the other day.

Hey Mr. Ebola (monkey man?), whatever, First off, I love your site! I just finished reshooting a short film based on a Nigerian scam email. It's a comedy between Princess Juliet Etete, Linda Bamba and a character I call Virgile Goldman. Anyway, in doing my research I checked out every Nigerian scam site on the web; amazing how many there are (EBOLA MONKEY NOTE: AND WHO DO YOU THINK STARTED THIS SHIT!). And that is how I happened upon you. My new film has a few lines inspired by some of your retorts to the scam letters. I really like what you have written, and actually it's quite similar to the approach I had taken to my first script (a guy responding to the letters). The dialogue is made up from a jumble of reality letters that I rewrote..., and some adlibbing from some other lines based on 'found' material from all around the web. I didn't know how much of anyone's lines were actually going to make it into the final cut. And overall the extra lines are just used as as adlibbing when the actors did not come up with a funny enough moment on their own.

This is a non-profit film, only destined for film festivals, and my own site. The film is in the editing stage now...(only seven minutes long), but it seems like it will turn out pretty well. There are three or four phrases of yours that I would like to keep in the cut, and I would like to ask your permission to keep them. And of course offer you a writing credit, and the film to use on your site, or a link to my site, when the film is finished.

I agreed to let him use whatever he wanted for the movie. I went to his site and he's legit. I'm actually flattered that someone with some talent wants to use my writing for his movie. I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product and you'll be able to download it here. So stay tuned.

I'm returning to modeling after a five year absence for one night. I've been asked model suits for Haspel www.haspel.com.

Mike:

Thanks for agreeing to come to BR for the big Haspel event! This event is the first of its kind for Haspel. We have several people from NY coming in (from our home office and fashion editors, etc.). The event is on Wednesday, March 16 from 4:30-7:30pm with an after-party. The night before we are having a crawfish boil.

It's down in Louisiana. It should be fun and I'm sure I will have plenty to write about and some funny pictures.

Here's a shocker (the feeling, not the real shocker): Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are over. HEY DENISE, spots on a leopard don't change. Dude use to get all coked out and hire hot hookers to do all kinds of crazy shit. GOD DAMN THAT PROBABLY WAS FUN TIMES! If Charlie Sheen's penis had a camera on it, he probably would have won all kinds of AVN awards. Anyway, why would that girl think that Charlie would calm down and do the family thing for more than maybe a year. Lets face it, Denise Richards, without make-up bitching at you about coming home early and taking out the garbage is not as fun as snorting coke off the ass of two sluts dressed like school girls who are both on their cell phones calling up more coke snorting girlfriends to come over to CHARLIE'S reverse orgy while midgets with platters of E tabs are roller skating around the heart shaped bed while.........this could go on forever. Denise, to make a marriage work, sometimes you have pick up your mates hobbies. My suggestion would be to help him pick out the hookers and join in. Life is so short. If that doesn't work for you, TRY MARRYING A DUDE WITHOUT SOME SERIOUS BAGGAGE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Can anyone tell me why rappers always claim they are "humble" and then proceed to rap about how great they are? I just saw 50 Cent do an interview. He actually had the audacity to say he was "humble." If by humble he means megalomaniac, I guess he's right. DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH DUMB UNIT! Do steroids make you stupid? What a giant douche bag. If he considers himself humble, who does he think is not humble? I mean, I know I'm the shit but at least I'm humble. ;)

Vin Diesel - The Pacifier - WHAT THE FUCK????????

I love you all people.

MORE STUPID SHIT

I saw today that that Kansas is seeking abortion records in Probe of child rape. They are claiming that when girls 14 or younger become pregnant, they are considered to be victims of rape or sexual assault under Kansas law. Well, chalk it up to WE ARE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT people. I lost my virginity to a 17 year old girl when I was 13. I wanted to do it, it had nothing to do with rape. I'd like to think I just had it like that at 13 but when I look at pictures of myself back then, the chick must have been on crack. When are people going to realize that people are exploring sexually at younger ages and figure out where to go from there. Not that I get embarrassed by the US because I've been all around the world and just about every country is fucked up in some way or another, but sometimes I say "DAMN!" Why????? Because I truly believe that some of the people in this country that make decisions are no better than my white trash neighbors, who weren't lucky enough to get into politics. Almost 200,000 dead from a fucking wave in Asia and my neighbors get to live. If that's not proof that "life is not fair" I have no idea what is. Don't get me wrong, not every white trash neighbor is bad. Some of them don't voice their opinion on anything because they no better. They basically say "I'm not so smart so I better not say anything because I don't understand it." I'm cool with that. But damn, for somebody in Kansas to say that sex at 14 is rape no matter what the circumstance is, that sounds a little white trash. Rapists should be put to death by BONE SAW, no two ways about it. If the girl was raped, let her tell the story. Don't let some abortion record say it.

Anyway, I just saw that Fred Durst's mobile phone got hacked into like P. Hilton's did. Then I saw his little porno he made on his phone. Nice going Fred. The chick was pretty hot. That must be all day for that dude. My favorite part is when he turns the camera to his face. Totally identifying himself. These celebrities ought to just produce their own porns of themselves, that way they can keep all the profits. There's only one way to keep people from seeing your own fuck film, IT'S TO NOT MAKE ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I only hope that Natalie Portman screws up one day. NATALIE - FILM YOUR SEX! FILM YOUR SEX!

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Today is a sad day and I'd like to ask for a 10 minute moment of silence in honor of the passing of Dean Wormer from Animal House. Probably one of the most overlooked performances in movie history.

The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

So I leave tomorrow for Minneapolis, MN. Hell yeah. I've got my bathing suit, sun screen....oh yeah, it's fucking cold there. My client goes, "you'll love it, we throw this big Superbowl party for everyone who attends our show." That's great, that's just what I want. To stand around a bunch of strange guys and watch the Superbowl sounds like a blast.

I turn right around next week and leave for Los Angeles for 6 days. The traveling is starting to catch up with me.

ASSCLOWN AWARD OF THE MONTH:

Daunte Culpepper

The Minnesota Vikings quarterback presented a paralyzed high school football player two diamond necklaces worth about $75,000 during an NFL awards ceremony, but then awkwardly asked for them back after it was finished.

Nothing like giving a kid in a wheelchair some ice and then taking it back. Jeez Daunte, why not just kick him in the balls on top of that. Now I understand that he probably got caught up in the moment, but still, HOW EMBARRASSING. When someone asks you if he or she can have your diamond chains, that's like asking someone for their HEY SOUL CLASSICS. The only response to that is "NOOOOOOOOO my brother, you gots to get your own!"

"As of now they're on Double SECRET Probation!"

This was actually a headline on CNN.com : Police: Student died from 'water intoxication'

See ladies, next time someone is trying to get you to drink alcohol and you say "I'll just have water," HUGE MISTAKE.

If I can leave you with one saying that might change your life people, it would be this:

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Just got back from Indy and finished up one more session of my cover-up. I'm finally at the point of my life where I can't stand getting tattooed. Conan is really pulling a miracle by making the shit that was on my arm disappear. I've included some pictures of it. It's not even close to done.

NWA fans: Check this out. I spit my water out when I heard this version of Straight Outta Compton

www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3

Speaking of strange, I'm sitting here nodding my head to the new Jennifer Lopez song. I've turned into such a pussy. Literally, bobbing my head to it. It's embarrassing.

Speaking of pussy, I have a signed autographed album of starship's NO PROTECTION album. It hangs in my guest bedroom on the wall. I got it when I was a little kid. I didn't even ask for it, they gave it to me as a gift. My mom was at a party with Grace Slick one time and she started talking about me. Anyways, every time somebody sees it, they go "why do you have an autographed copy of Starship album on the wall?" This question could only properly be answered by another question. I usually reply with "why wouldn't someone hang an autograph of the band who created the masterpiece WE BUILT THIS CITY on the wall?" Hey, they gave it to me, I didn't ask for it! Anyway, my buddy Clint calls the other day and tells me that he got me a present. The 7 minute vinyl dance version of WE BUILT THIS CITY. As if the worst song ever made wasn't long enough before, they figured they needed a 7 minute version. Amazing. So I say to Clint, what the fuck am I going to do with that, it's not even autographed. He says "exactly." It's now a challenge to get it autographed by the same people who signed my NO PROTECTION album (Mickey Thomas, Grace Slick, and two other names I can't make out). So if by some freaky chance, someone knows someone who knows someone that was in Starship, circa the NO PROTECTION album, help a honkey out. I know in my heart of hearts I have a better chance of marrying Jennifer Lopez than getting this autographed, I still got to try.

AHHHHHHH.

"HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR TOMMY" --- Vince Neil

Hope everyone is having a good new year. I'm traveling the next three weeks and I think it will do me some good. Tomorrow, it's Columbia SC, then Nashville TN, and finally, my Las Vegas annual trip. This will help clear my head. If it doesn't, the alcohol will clear it, like Drano.

If you look below, there are some pics. You'll notice a couple of them are of me playing in a basketball league. I'm the heavily tattooed guy playing along side of the ultra clean cut religious freaks. It's this Tuesday night league over at the Manchester church. I'm sure there are some interesting conversations that go on behind my back there. I know what you are thinking, SO FUCKING WHAT????? For those of you that know me, I'm like a walking anti-christ. I believe that Church and Religion has completely ruined this world. Good concept, but they totally fucked it up. Anyway, so my buddy asks me to play on his team and it turns out that this is a church league with a SUPER religious theme. Like they pray before tip-off and after the game, each team goes into a room and we have some sort of prayer session thingy. I don't believe in God, but I get uncomfortable when I'm in church like setting. The devil on my shoulder reminds me that if there is a God, I'm giving up my exact location by stepping into the home of the lord. Like the minute I step in the door, the alarm in Heaven goes off and he's like "YOU! I've been looking for you!" Anyways, because I love playing basketball, I tow the line and go through the motions. Last night was especially painful because my game was at 9PM, which meant missing the first half of the National Championship. FUCK!!!!!!!! So the minute my game ends, I get my shit and head for the exit, completely forgetting about the prayer debriefing in the creepy room. My buddy is like "you got to do this bro" and I'm like "God knows that the National Championship game only rolls around once a year, right?" So I go into the creepy room and listen to some story about how we need to preach the word to God whenever we get a chance. Every time someone says something like this, I picture the guy on the corner with the sign and megaphone who spits out words like "sinner" and "you're going to burn in hell" when strangers walk by. Anyway, so I'm listening and everyone is thanking God and all I can think about is "while you are at it, ask God about the Tsunami because I'd like to know his take on it. Was it just for fun or population control? I guess all those people forgot to duck dive God." He ends with "i expect to see you all at church this Sunday." I felt like going "if any of you would rather spend the 2 hours at a homeless shelter, that would be fine too." I know, I'm kind of being a dick but to make matters worse, I get home and the fucking score of the championship game is USC 38 - Oklahoma 10. FUCK! I missed the best part, the first 5 minutes of the game. SO I THOUGHT! Turns out I made it home for the best part, the halftime show featuring Kelly Clarkson and Ashlee Simpson.

So it starts off with Kelly singing into the microphone that was apparently turned off. All you see is these techs scrambling around the stage. When it kicks on, she screamed her way through the entire song. It sounded like two cats fucking. Fantastic. Just when it couldn't get any better, Ashlee Simpson comes out and once again proves she can't sing at all. I thought a dog got hit by a car. It was the best. I'm sure she'll blame her band like she did after the SNL thing. Someone needs to remind her that there is a reason why she lip-synchs. Play the fucking tape (the one that matches the song the band plays) and move your mouth to the words. So she lets out this last yelp and the crowed rips into boos. Ha ha! I see two words in her future "BUKKAKE FILMS." If she would have only taken her pants off and jumped on the microphone microphone stand spread eagle, she could be remembered for the chick who upstaged Janet Jackson's Super Bowl show. She had her chance to show off some real talent and she blew it.

You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la laaaa You make me wanna SCREEEEAAAAAAEEEEEAAAAAMMMMMM. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Everyone needs to see Garden State. It's a good flick.

How about this fucking weather, Bunny Brown, Ancondas, and the better version of the video for LEAN BACK

Hope everyone is having a great winter. I know I am. It's so cold here in Ohio, I can't feel my legs. Nothing better than ice skating without skates over your mail box to find that it's frozen shut or not being able to pull into your garage because the sloped driveway is iced over. For the life of me, I can't figure out why the people that found this state decided to STAY! You'd think they would have just kept going west after their balls froze off. Maybe they were so cold they couldn't move. OHIO, WHERE DREAMS GO TO DIE!

I saw the Bunny Brown clip where Chloe Sevigny blows Vincent Gallo. My first reaction was "wow, Gallo can fuck up anything, even a blow job scene." You convince a mainstream actress to blow you on film and that's the best footage you got?????? No freaking pop shot to the face? BOO THIS MAN! When are people going wake up and start throwing shit at this man at these film festivals for making horrible films???? I remember hearing how brilliant this guy was when Buffalo 66 came out. After I sat through the entire movie, the look on my face was something like this "opidhfpioawerfhwr897f9qywo!!!!!!???WTF!!!!" I was like "that mother fucker owes me $3.50 in rental fees." I wrote a script a few years ago that I couldn't even get anyone to read and that guy actually gets movies made. On top of that, he gets blown by Chloe. Something's not right. Not that getting a blow job from Cloe Sevigny is something special. After all, she looks like the type of chick who would drink the bong water out of me and my college roommates water bong on a dare. She obviously has to be a little fucked up to blow Vincent Gallo on film. If you are going to try to get publicity for a shitty movie, shooting a really shitty blow job scene doesn't help. He should have pushed for an anal at least, seems more fitting for the title of the movie. People need to stop saying this man is "brilliant" or "brave" director. He's a giant douche bag that shoots shitty movies and bad blow job scenes. I'd rather sit through Kazaam starring Shaq as a giant fucking genie then BUNNY BROWN.

Speaking of bad movies, I rented Anacondas the other day. I knew this movie