From Ali to Dr. Death (ORGINAL MESSAGE)

Mr. Ali Idris
Bank Manager,
Union Bank of Nigeria Plc,
Marina - Lagos, Nigeria.

Dear Sir,

My colleagues and I are humbly soliciting for your assistance in regards to the clearance of $7,500,000:00 (Seven million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) from a security company in Overseas. This money was formally deposited in my bank by Mr. Barry Kelly who later died an "intestate" he left no will and no known parents and relatives.

As a result of the call by customers for general audition, we decided to arrange for the movement of the money by special diplomatic courier service to a security company in Overseas where we agreed that the beneficiary, next of kin would come for the clearance within a period of one month. In view of this, we would like to present you, to the company as the beneficiary, next of kin of the late Mr. Barry Kelly, as this money can only be claimed by a foreigner.

All documents to facilitate the clearing procedures will be in your favour and the necessary documents would be sent to you to facilitate the easy clearance of the funds. All hands are on deck and the project will take seven working days.

To reward your effort thereafter, we have agreed that 30% will go for you, while the remaining 70% will go for other participating team. In order to know you better, we would like you to fill the below form and send it to me by way of this mail box.

Be sure your information would not be divulged to a third party, if for any reason you decided not to accept this mutually benefiting proposal I am offering you today, please do confirm, so as to enable me seek assistance elsewhere, believe me, if you do not accept, I would be simply disappointed but would respect your decision.

Feel free to also reach me on this mailbox.

Best regards,

Mr. Ali Idris

Full Names:
Age: Address:
Country of Origin
Marital Status:
Private Tel:
Direct Fax No.:
Dr. Death Note: Reply kept, but all I had done was fill in his form with some bullshit details. Shows how much attention these twats pay!

From Ali to Dr. Death Saturday, June 28

Subject: Thanks From Ali Idris To

Ali Idris:Mobile: 234-803-301-8203.

ATTN: Chris,

I received your email with thanks and I appreciate your response with your willingness and readiness to assist us in this transaction.

Now that you have shown interest in this deal,this is how we going go about it to achieve our goal.

I will do everything here within my jurisdiction since I work as a manager in the bank to make sure the money is approved to you as the beneficiary. This will certainly require the services of a Lawyer here and expenses, but I can assure you I will take responsibility for everything here in Nigeria. Since you have send your complete name and address I will go out on monday to process the transfer of the estate to you. As a matter of fact it will take me just three days to me three days I will process the documents and send to you. These documents is what you will tender by the time you get to our payment centre in Spain or Amsterdam, Netherlands to receive the money.

Once the fund is approved in your name, it will be transferred to our payment centers in either Spain or Amsterdam,Netherlands, which ever is closer to you. There after the officials in the payments centers (which ever country you choose) will contact you to come forward and receive the payment. The procedure requires you to meet the officials in either of the payment centres, to sign the release documents before receiving the payment. There is no other way to do it without your presence at the payment centres.

As soon as they establish contact with you, I will arrange for my representative to meet with you in either of the payment centres before I will finally join you in your country. I need to know how prepared you are and how soon you are ready to travel because this will enable me know when to start processing the documents. Please remember I am dealing with you on trust and confidentiality and I hope you will understand the importance of these key words.

Please, revert as soon as possible.

Best Regards.
Ali Idris.

From Ali to Dr. Death, Tuesday, July 01

Subject: Waiting For Responde!!!!

How are you today? I sent you an email on saturday in respect of your reply
to proposal,till now you have responde to it hope all is well? please, I
eagerly waiting the reply to know your stand on the matter.

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, Tuesday, July 01

Subject: Re: Thanks From Ali Idris To Chris !!!!!

Dear Ali,

Travelling is difficult for me, as my spleen expands due to the lowered cabin pressure at cruising altitude on aircraft. An accident at a businessmen's dinner and awards ceremony involving a live lobster and an ill-humored waiter's pants ended up with me being stabbed by said waiter, resulting in a ruptured spleen and twenty-two stitches. Luckily I have good health insurance and the surgeons saved my spleen, but the repairs to it are of such a nature that it is very fragile.

Therefore, for any contact I make with you, all travelling from the United States will have to be done by ship. The venue also, will have to be Spain, as if I go back to Holland I may be arrested. (This is all due to a misunderstanding with the Dutch police. I would like to assure you, Ali, that I have never been in possession of any stolen deBeers Diamonds whatsoever, and I hope that this spurious allegation will not affect the outcome of this business agreement).



From Ali to Dr. Death, Wednesday, July 02

Subject: Re: Thanks From Ali Idris To Chris !!!!!

Ali Idris:Tel:00234-803-301-8203.

Dear Chris,

Thanks for nice reply.Since you have agreed to go to Spain I will go on to prepare the neccessary documents and as soon as I get them I will send them to you for perusal and at sametime submit them to Bank for Approval.So, incase you hear from the Bank please, do not fail to contact me to aviod mistakes.Today I will try to reach by phone so that can have a vioce talk, but if you are still close to a phone please, do call me.

Yours Sincerely,

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, Wednesday, July 02

Subject: Re: Thanks From Ali Idris To Chris !!!!!


I have been close to the phone all day. I love to fondle it's delicately sculpted corners - it never leaves my side. Unfortunately I fear it may be tapped by the FBI. That Dutch diamonds thing again I imagine. (I told them I'd shoot- WHY wouldn't they believe me?) Sadly, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that a 'vioce' chat is impossible...

Also, if this transaction comes to fruition, how much of the total sum of $7,500,000 dollars will be used up in Frottage and Felching charges, before the remainder is split between all concerned parties?

Finally, where did you get my email address from in the first place? Did you get it from the main corporate office of 'Turtle's Head Logging Co.' or from a common associate? However you came across it, I'd like to know who gave it to you. This will have no bearing on our business agreement, but I would like to know who has been handing out my private email address to strangers. A summary firing is in order for the culprit responsible, I'm sure you'll agree. Whilst their intervention has led to this fortuitous business agreement between the two of us, I think it best to root them out of my business infrastructure before they get up to any more 'back-passage' shenanigans that could hurt the company.

Greatest regards,


PS- Any chance of the money being paid in a currency other than US$? Polish Zloty or Albanian Lek for example. I find these currencies much easier to 'slide past' the Internal Revenue Service', if you catch my drift...

From Ali to Dr. Death, Friday, July 04

Subject: Re: Thanks From Ali Idris To Chris!!!!!

Dear Chris,

How I get Your Email Adress
As a Banker, I went on a refresher course about six months ago in London and I met this gentleman from Cyprus who has a name resemblance like yours and was also my course mate. We did establish contact but unfortunately he changed his apartment two months ago and in the process we lost contact. When this opportunity came about a month ago, I decided to use his name to browse the Internet and this was how your email address appeared. At the moment I think what really matters is for us to co-operate together and realize the transaction.

So my good friend, all I want from you is your confirmation that you will going to Spain as you already promised,so that I can go on to process the Documents.Like I told you in proposal that the business is 100% risk-free, so fill free to do the business with me and at end we share our success together and sort our various problems with our money.

I look forward to hear from you.

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, Friday, July 04

Subject: Re: Thanks From Ali Idris To Chris!!!!!

Dear Ali,

My nipples explode with delight to hear from you again.

You say this man was from Cyprus. I only know one man in Cyprus who has a name resemblance like mine and would go to a course for bankers. He was helping me with the charity accounts for a Frottered Bison sanctuary here in the States, then fucked off with the money. This has resulted in the tarnishing of my good name as a businessman, as people who had helped raise the hundreds of thousands of dollars thought I had embezzled it all. Of course, the poor innocent Bison remain thoroughly frotted also, with nowhere to recover from their terrible ordeals. I love animals you know, I really do.

That bastard from Cyprus is another matter though- if I ever catch up with him, I'll shoot him in the fucking kneecaps.

You must give me his name Ali. I need to know that it isn't the same man. I have to be sure, as I cannot trust you if you have been fraternising with him in any way. What was his address at the apartment he left two months ago? I have friends in high places, friends who can track him down like the dog he is and pop a cap in his ass.



For some reason he either didn't get or totally ignored my last reply

From Ali to Dr. Death, Wed, 9 Jul

Subject: From Ali Idris

Dear Chris,

Please I want you to reply the last mail sent to you indicating if you are still ready or not.

I have accepted to transfer the money to Spain.

Please reply as soon as possible. As time is of essence.

Best regard.

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, Thu, 10 Jul

Subject: Re: From Ali Idris

Dear Ali,

What the hell are you talking about? I DID reply to your last email.

When you didn't reply, I assumed you had done the dirty on me with that son-of-a-bitch from Cyprus. I'm going through a pretty bad time here, Ali, and I'm not in any sort of state to be let down. I need that money, my friend, and I need it fast.

I'll level with you Ali. And please don't laugh here, life is hard enough as it is, with people staring at me all the time.

I've always felt like a female trapped in a man's body. I've been living as a woman for the past year and a half, and have been having regular estrogen injections. Now I have been approved for gender reassignment surgery. The trouble is, that's going to cost a lot of bucks. $250,000 in fact. As you can see, this deal could go a long way to making my life complete, so I can feel normal for the first time ever.

I am ready to go on this deal.

I hope you recieve my reply this time....



PS- Where is Spain? Is it one of those islands near Cuba?

From Ali to Dr. Death ,Tue, 15 Jul

Subject: Reply!!!

Dear Amanda,

I got your last mail.

I appreciate your situation and will do everything humanly possible to ensure that this deal falls through so that you can take care that terrible condition of yours.

Believe me I commesurate with you and it will soon be over by God's grace. I will give you a call later today.

Just hang in there and believe that I REALLY feel for your condition.


From Ali to Dr. Death,Tue, 15 Jul

Subject: From Ali Idris

Dear Amanda,

How are you? Hope you are hanging on. Please, I would like you to send me your country and area code as i have tried your line to no avail this afternoon.

Please do this immediately so i can give you a call soonest. Time is of the essence. Remain blessed.

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, 16 July

Subject: Re: From Ali Idris

Dear Ali,

My name is Christine now. Not Amanda. Christine.

My phone has been stolen by a group of marauding mexican bandidos. We get gangs of them skulking around the neighborhood quite often around here. I left my apartment door open for only half a minute while I took my groceries inside. That's all it took for them to come in and spirit away my phone. They took my mobile phone as well, the thieving bastards!

Along with everything else that has been happening, I fear my emotional health is at crisis point. I am going to close my curtains, put on a Spice girls album and drink myself to sleep with a bottle of bourbon.

Tomorrow if I am feeling better, I will go downtown and buy a new phone.

Your kind words are like the summer sun during these dark times, Ali. Hopefully I will speak to you soon.


Christine/Amanda (or whatever else you want to call me)

From Ali to Dr. Death, Fri, 18 Jul

Subject: From Ali Idris

Dear Christine,

How are you today, hope you are feeling better now. I wish to remimnd you about the phone line you promised to send down as soon as you replace it send down the new phone & fax line down please.

However, I am sorry for what happended.

Remain blessed.
Ali Idris

From Dr. Death to Ali, 19 July

Subject:Re: From Ali Idris

Darling Ali,

Firstly, thank you. I am feeling much better after the recent unpleasantness. The Spice Girls album and the bottle of Bourbon worked wonders.

I went out and bought a new phone today. Much to my annoyance, I found it didn't work. When I contacted the phone company, they said all the phone lines are down. After enquiring further, they told me that the marauding mexican bandits had been stealing all the phone poles. Apparently they are using them to build log cabin hideouts in the mountains. When the phone lines are operational again, be assured that I will ring you post haste.

I am still having trouble locating Spain on my map of the West Indies. I tried to book tickets at my local travel agents, but he couldn't find it either. Please advise.

Until my phone is operational, please stay in touch via email.

Lots of love,


From Ali to Dr. Death, 18 Jul

My dear Christine,

I must tell you that i am nost delighted that your mood has become brightened. Whisky can work miracles in the system. Hang on. You'll get over all these soon enough. The hiccups caused by those dammed hoodlums neccesitates quickened action. We have to proceed. In the meantime do you have a bank account? Send down your account info so as to enable us facilitate the movement of the funds to you. Can you go to Germany? Reply soonest. Time is of the essence. Remain blessed.

Best regards,

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, 23 July

Subject:Re: From Ali Idris

Derling Eli,

Your messeges bring joy to my heert in these derk times of woe. End woe is me indeed. To edd to the problems with the mereuding mexicen bendidos, my fortunes heve deterioreted further still.

Whilst surfing the internet, end drinking my my fevorite brend of bourbon (Jeck Deniels), I tipped my gless over my keyboerd, covering it in liquid, end now it hes broken, es you mey be eble to tell by the curious spelling in this emeil messege.

Unfortunetely the letter 'e' no longer works properly. (That's 'E', es in the first letter of the elphebet, end es in 'E' for 'Epple', not 'E' es in the fifth letter of the elphebet, or 'E' es in 'Egg'). Now insteed of printing e letter 'e' (es in 'Epple'), the demn keys print the letter 'e' (es in 'Egg').

I'm sorry if this is e rether confusing explenetion, but with the leck of the letter 'e' (es in 'Epple'), it is ewkwerd to type it properly. Perheps it will work better efter I dismentle it end dry it out.

Es for the number of benk eccounts I heve, I currently heve three.

Love you elweys,


PS: Eli- why the sudden chenge to Germeny? Cen't you find Spein on the mep either?

From Ali to Dr. Death, 24 July

MY Dear christine,

Keep up the good spirits. I wanted to get a country close to you and which you are familiar with,in any case pls send down your account info.we have to begin arrangements to facilitate moving the funds.note
time is of the essence.

Ali Idris.

From Dr. Death to Ali, 25 July

Darling Ali,

Good news! I dismantled my keyboard and cleaned it and now it works again. The Bourbon seems to have had no
lasting effect, I'm glad to say. (Apart from giving me cirrhosis of the liver, that is... :) Joke.)

Another piece of good news: My doctor has supplied me with some anti spleen-expansion drugs, and has given
me the all clear for transatlantic flight! This means I can rush out to see you at a moment's notice! I can be in Germany within 24 hours!

What city do you want me to fly to? Munich? Berlin? You tell me and I'll book a flight post haste.

Do they have elephants in Germany? I hope not. They scare me. Trunky cunts.

Love you more than ever,


From Ali to Dr. Death, 29 July

dear christine,

Sorry for this little delay, iwas trying to tidy some important angles for the transfer of the fund from spain to germany. my
dear friend i am very happy to inform you that right now the consignment is in germany ,it was moved through diplomatic please endeavour to tidy your own side .i have started the process of getting the neccessary transfer documents to your name. i will process legal documents in your name to enable you place the claims with the security company in germany.
this document is"TRANSFER OF RIGHTSAND PRIVILEGES" from the federal high court here.this we will forward with the "DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE" to the company in germany presenting you officially and legally as the beneficiary. it is only then you will be contacted by the company .

This documents put you in an authentic position to represent us for the claims of consignment from the security company, they
will open communication with you immediately . I sincerely hope i can rely on you to handle everything for us as i know that GOD will see us through. REMAIN BLESSED


From Dr. Death to Ali, 29 July

Dearest Ali,

I am glad to hear you are tidying important angles at your end. They are so messy when left in a big pile
instead of being put neatly in a drawer. TOP TIP: Never, ever mix acute angles with reflex angles. This may save time as you do it, but will only cause confusion later.

At your suggestion I have tidied my side, and now await further contact from yourself. What happens now?
Should I book my flight?

Love and sloppy wet kisses,


From Ali to Dr. Death, 1 Aug







From Dr. Death to Ali, 3 Aug.

My true love Ali,

I hope you are well. I'm not. The drugs that the doctor has had me on for the past six months (my hormone tablets, all part of the gender reassignment process) are reacting badly with the new anti-spleen expansion drugs that he has given me so I can fly.

I am suffering from anal leakage, and my nipples (now as hard as bullets, you could hang your hat on them) are sore and weeping. It isn't fun, I can assure you...

Anyway, why do you want me to go to Frankfort? You said Germany, now you want me to go the state capital
of Kentucky. Make your fucking mind up, I want to be sure to fly to the right place.

I love you and want to have your babies.

Love and kisses,


From Ali to Dr. Death, 4 Aug

Attn. Mrs Christine Gordon,

We which to inform you that your fund($7.5million)with Union Bank Plc
Lagos has been forwarded to us hear in Europe and is awaiting for you to
come and sign for the release.

You are required to send the following requirements for prove of
ownership.(a)deposit certificate and transfer of rights and privileges from
Nigerian court(b)a copy of your international passport(c)your bank

More informations will be given to you as soon as we recieve these
documents and it proves you the bonafide owner of the fund.


Fred Smith
(payment director)
Phone:+49 1623-733157


Time for me to be cruel. If this guy is supposed to be in Germany, then I'll send him an insulting email in German. My limited grasp of the German language is too poor to be of any real us, so I'm using a translator on the net (which probably isn't much better to tell you the truth...). I've enclosed both versions.

From Dr. Death to Ali, 3 Aug.

Lieber Fred,

Wem sind die Hölle Sie? Mich anrufen MRS Gordon. Es
ist FRÄULEIN, Freund und nicht Sie vergißt es!

An wo hat meinen suessen Ali gelangte?

Für welche Firma arbeiten Sie? Sie sagen, daß Ihr Name
Fred Smith ist, aber Ihre Anzeigen von einem Peter
Nacy an irgendeiner Art Schuld concilliation Agentur
kommen. Irgendeine Sicherheit Firma sind Sie. Welche
Art der Hälfte assed Ausstattung sind Sie?

Meine zutreffende Liebe Ali erklärte mir, Sie völlig
auf diesem Abkommen unterwiesen wurden, aber es
scheint, daß Sie tatsächlich ein Schimpanse sind.

Ihre Mutter war ein Hamster und Ihr Vaterschmelz der

Ich wettete Sie Nehmen es herauf den Arsch.

Lose Liebe,


And the translated version:

Dear Fred,

Who the hell are you? Calling me MRS. Gordon. It's MISS, friend, and don't you forget it!

Where has my darling Ali got to?

What company do you work for? You say your name is Fred Smith, but your messages come from a Peter Nacy at some kind of debt concilliation agency. Some security company you are. What kind of half assed outfit are you?

My true love Ali told me you were fully briefed on this deal, but it seems you are in fact a chimpanzee.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

I bet you take it up the arse.

Lots of love, Christine.