BACK TO HOMEPAGE

OK, this was a spin off of the Maryam and Sule saga.  This guy, Mohamed Abacha, contacted Dirk early on in the M&S scam.  He stopped writing for a while then emailed Dirk during the time he was allegedly in Nigeria conducting business with M&S and looking for his wife Yasmine.  I decided to throw Mohamed into the mix.  I was going to add it to the Maryam/Sule scam but it turned out to be so funny that it needs to stand alone.  

NOTE:  Please read the Maryam and Sule scam first so this will make sense.  You can't watch "Joanie Loves Chachi" without seeing "Happy Days" first, right?

From Mohamed to Dirk 4/23

Attention : Mr. Toolhardy,

I received your mail. First and Foremost, I thank you for your response and urge to assist me. But, I don`t really know what you meant by you received my message by error.

I directed my message to you and not to any other person. So, if you are serious to co-operate with me to do this business, send your current address, Telephone and Fax numbers respectively to me, so that I will hand them over to my Lawyer to commence the Business Proper.

However, I must emphasize that you should keep this Business to yourself alone because it is highly confidential and aboveall, requires a very urgent attention.

In conclusion, I advise you send the requested information to me as soon as you get through this mail.

I await your prompt response.

Yours Sincerely,

Mohammed Abacha.

From Dirk to Mohamed 4/23

Dear Mr. Abacha:

Hold onto your horses there buddy! You say that your message was intended just for me. If so, how did you hear of me and my company, MILFwatchers? Do you use the services of MILF? Please, at least let me know because I hope there is something I can do with all of my power to help in your situation.

It may also be helpful to get to know each other a bit. I am a shrewd businessman, and though what you are proposing seems manageable, it also seems to good to be true. I would like to share some personal information. I will not be able to hand out more confidential information such as bank info as fax numbers until I feel trust between us.

My Name is Dirk Toolhardy and, as you know, I am the Chairman of MILFwatchers Inc. I am married to a beautiful wife named Yasmine and we have three children. We are profoundly Christian, I hope this will not be a problem. I am attaching a picure of us so you can see what we are like.

I hope you understand, but I simply can't proceed without establishing a friendship and trust between us.

Sincerely,

Dirk Toolhardy
MILFwatchers Inc.

P.S. You said that nobody could know about this. May I tell my wife? She would be very thrilled and interested to help.

From Mohamed to Dirk 4/ 26

Attention : Dirk Toolhardy,

Dear Dirk,
Thanks for your mail. Without wasting time, I got your contact from my late father`s most confidential investment Diary. So, having gotten your contact from my father`s closet, I envisaged that you may either be a good friend of my late father or his business associate and above all, a trustworthy and dependable fellow. Thus, the trust and confidence I have to carry-out this transaction with you.

My Dear, I am a very young man, Married and expecting my first issue soonest. My beloved wife`s name is Princess Fatima.  Yes! I advised that you do not reveal this transaction to any body but your wife is part of you, so if she is the type that can keep secrets, there is no harm in letting her know about the transaction. But, if she is the type that cannot hold her lips, you should then hold-on to inform her until the transaction is concluded.

Though, you know your wife as well as I know mine. Therefore, it is up to you to decide.

In conclusion, if you are now okay to do this transaction, forward to me without delay, the
requested information Thanks for your co-operation while looking forward to a better relationship with you and your entire family.

I await your prompt response.

Best Regards,
Mohammed Abacha

From Mohamed to Dirk 5/ 14

Dear Mr.Dirk Tookhardy,

l enclosed with my photograph for us to have intimate knowledge of ourself.Now l wish to fax you the certificate of Deposite which l use in lodging the consignment containing the money with the security company and other relivant documents which will enable you to collect the consignment with out stress.First i wish to know from you if you can come to Africa here{Ghana} to collect the consignment.

Awaiting your responce as soon as posible.

Thanks,

Mohamed!








From Dirk to Mohamed 5/15

Dear Mohamed,

Thank you for the email.  Sorry I did not write you sooner.  I had a long night.  I don't know if Maryam has told you but I'm dealing with personal issues, as well as business issues.  I'm just waking up.  I have jet lag, I'm hung over, and my Nigerian friends seem to only be using me for my
money.  They didn't even have the courtesy to pick me up at the airport.

Nice picture by the way.  Just out of curiosity, is that a newspaper article?   Also, I noticed your name is Mohamed.  What is it like to be Jewish in Africa?  Is there a heavy Jewish community in Ghana?  I too am Jewish.  I'm very excited.

I can come to Ghana in two shakes of a elephants tail.  Just let me know.

I've got cash.  It' s American money.  Will this be a problem?

Dirk!

PS - I have included a photo of me with the cab driver from the airport.  This way, you know what I look like.  His name is Peter Aka.  He was really nice.  I am the guy on the right by the  way.  I bet you just got a sense of relief.  You were probably thinking, "Jesus, how am I going to identify Dirk as he looks like everyone in Africa."

Email me ASAP.













From Mohamed to Dirk 5/17

Dear Dirk,

Where are you presently now,are you here in my home country or you are about to come to Nigeria,please be specific.  Beside,who is this Maryam and what business do you have with Maryam!  If you are right here in Nigeria please furnish me with your phone number here in Nigeria.  

Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/18

Dear Mohawkhead,

I am in Lagos. I thought you knew Maryam. She is the one who originally contacted me about the transaction. I came over here to find my wife, save Maryam's crippled ass son who needs a kidney transplant, and get my portion of the 20 million. Now I am here, in Africa, living the life. Shit man, that means you don't know Sule either. That is my nigga! He's the shiz-nit bomb diggy. Look here brother, I have been high on Khat for the last three days. I've slept with numerous African women. I've spent so much money at this disco called KoKo's I think they are going to change the name to Toolhardy's. I'm at the Sheraton. I'm so high right now I'm willing to do
business with anyone. Go ahead and tell me what you had in mind. My bad man, I thought you knew Maryam. She said she is a queen or some shit. She sent me a photo of herself. She looks like a three dollar whore with a two dollar hair-cut.

Dirk

PS - Have you ever chewed on this Khat. It is amazing. I was so closed minded until I started using this stuff. I use to hear how great coke was, this is ten times better.

PSS- I just noted that all Nigerians put URGENT in every email. Strange.

From Mohamed to Dirk 5/19

Dirk,

morning,i ask you of your hotel phone number,furnish me with the hotel phone number and your room number so that i can talk with you and give you some guild line on how to hit Accra [Ghana] when ever you are through with Maryams deal,but as a friend of mine you have to be carefull,i wouldnt like someone to hurt you here in my country right.

I have also contacted the security firm in Accra[Ghana] that you are coming then in reciept of your responce,i will send through my email all the relivant document immediatly.
As,you may know,my movement here in Nigeria is highly restricted.

Mohamed!


From Dirk to Mohamed 5/20

Hi Mohamed,

Sorry I didn't write to you sooner.  I just woke up from sleeping for two straight days.  I am still in Lagos at the hotel.  I want to help you but I have to tell you something first.

Mohamed, I fear for your life.  This guy Sule and his partner Maryam said they were going to kill you.  They want me to set you up in Accra.  They want me to help them rob you.  Sule says you are probably a weak man and this would be really easy.  I think you are a good person so I want to warn you.  Here is their email if you want to contact both of them:

barr_sl2000@yahoo.com
h_maryam_ab@voila.fr

Feel free to email them telling them you know what they are up to.  Please don't tell them I told you about this though.  Also, please hide because I am afraid they will do something horrible.  Sule is crazy.

Thanks

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk 5/ 21

DEAR DIRK,

THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION BUT AT THE SAME, YOU SHOULD NOT WORRY. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I AM A SON OF AN ARMY GENERAL AND HAVE BEEN SO CLOSE TO VERY HARD MILITARY OFFICERS. HENCE, I HAVE BEEN DULY AQUAINTED WITH DEFENCE MECHANISMS.

JUST SEND TO ME YOUR ROOM NUMBER AND THE TELEPHONE NUMBER OF THE HOTEL WITH WHICH I CAN REACH AND SPEAK WITH YOU AND FORGET ABOUT YOUR SO CALLED SULE AND WHATEVER PLAN HE IS MAKING.

I AWAIT FOR THE REQUESTED INFORMATION WHILE THANKING YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

YOURS FRIEND,

MOHAMMED.

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/21

Dear Mohamed,

Thank GOD you responded.  I am glad you are not worried but I still am.  I told Sule that you were the son of an army general and he referred to you and the Army as "bitches who think they can fight."  He told me that he is skilled in martial arts and knows moves like the "Flying Camel" and the "Donkey Punch."  Mohamed, those are some serious moves.  I think it might be better if you leave Africa for a while and change your name.  I'm really scared for you.  I saw the picture you sent me, you can't way more than 125 pounds.  Plus your womanly frame has to be very fragile.  Sule is like 250 pounds and he is built like an American tank.  Plus he's a black guy.  You are a nice Jewish man.  You don't stand a chance.  We have to get you out of the country now.  Please pack your things.  Email me when you are ready to leave the country and we will meet at my hotel.  I will take out a room in another name so Sule cannot find you.

I noticed you added an extra "m" to your name so you must be a little scared.  Mohamed, that's not fooling anyone.  You have to change your name completely if you are going to hide like this.In the mean time, I will work on getting you a fake ID.  I noticed you added an extra "m" to your name.  Mohamed, that's not fooling anyone.  You have to change your name completely if you are going to hide like this.  Until then, I think we should call you Steve Urkel.  It's a nice name and no one will know it's you.

Steve, be brave and pack your things.  I'm going to save you.

Dirk


From Mohamed to Dirk 5/21

Attn Dirk,

I have just finished discussing with my lawyer in [Accra]Ghana.And i explained things to him and your posision here in Nigeria.

However,he will guild you proparly on what to do.His nobody as,James Obed.phone number;009-233-2081-36952.

After you discusion with him contact immediatly?

Thanks,
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/22

Mohamed,

OK, I'm a little confused. You said I am not serious about the transaction and I shouldn't contact you anymore but now you want me to call your lawyer. Which is it? Please email me back to clarify this.

I sense there is some tension between you and I. I think it is unfair. Mohamed, I was just trying to protect you. I know you think you are tough but I also know Sule and Maryam. They really want to fuck you up bad. Like I said, I have seen your photo. I don't care if your dad was a general, your going to need an AK-47 to stop Maryam, let alone Sule.

If I were in any danger, I would hope you would tell me. If someone wanted to physically hurt me or scam me out of something, I'm sure you would let me know. Right? You seem like a good man. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know.

Dirk

PS- I wrote a poem yesterday while laying at the pool.

Loving me these African bitches!

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get them out of my head.
They are all that Dirk thinks about.
I just can't get them out my head.
African girl is all Dirk dreams about.

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

There’s a dark secret in me
Don’t leave me locked in your jungle
Set me free
Put down your spear
Set me free
African girl don't fear
And ever and ever and ever

I'm still playing with the words. At least I have the melody down.

Ebola Monkey Note:  Jesus, what do I have to say to piss this guy off?

From Mohamed to Dirk 5/22

Dirk,

Its not that i am anoyed with you right but theres a way someone will behave you beging to think if the kiding,for me i am not kiding,i told you,call my lawyer he is there to guild you.Then furnish me before you proceed forther.

Thanks,
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/23

Dear Mohamed,

I accept your apology. I know how you people can be. Do you think it might be better for us to meet face to face? This way, we can look each other in the eye, give each other a reach around, and develop a real trust. I promise this is not a set-up. Neither Sule or Maryam will be there to harm you. I have distanced myself from them. They think that you fled the country so everything is safe. Tell me where to meet you and I will be there.

Thanks

Dirk

PS- Sorry about the first couple of emails I sent you. I was so high on Khat that I must have just rambled on.


From Mohamed to Dirk 5/24

My dear friend,

I can not take such risk here in my country.I have told you ealier before now that i am under surveliance,my movement is strictly restricted, the present gorvernment want's me dead,except outside the country.

Have you called my lawyer what did he say meanwhile before you leave for Accra Ghana pleas notify me,i believe my lawyer has been expecting your call all this while.

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/25

Jesus Mohamed, seems like everyone wants you dead. What's it like not to have any friends? You must always be living in constant fear. I have a 4 year old niece that is the same way. She's always scared and crying. I feel so bad for her. Maybe that's why I want to help you. You remind me of her.

I have tried calling your lawyer. Every time I call, some African guy picks up. I can't understand him.

What should I do? Maybe your lawyer can meet me since everyone hates you so much and you are so afraid to die. Let me know.

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk  5/25

Dear Dirk,       

Thanks for your responce,you might be thinking i'm joking by telling you that the present gorvernment of Nigeria want's me dead.  As soon as i'm through with this now i better find my way to America or any part of the europe then settle down,esterblish there and never think of coming back to Nigeria again.

Meanwhile i spoke with my Lawyer some minutes ago and he was telling me that someone called and refused to introduse him or her self,i beging to think it might be you that called him.  So,call him and tell him about me then explain your self to him,though i have done that before now.

By the way, are you still here in Nigeria or Accra Ghana,please notify me so that i can call him and tell him your position,because your safety is my concern please,i wouldn't like anything to hurt you because of me?

Awaiting your responce as soon as posible.

Thanks and [Allah] bless,

Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/26

Hey Mohamed,

I don't know what to do.  I give up.  Every time I call your lawyer, some African dude picks up.  Please tell me what to do so we can meet up.  I'm still in Lagos, living the African dream.

Thanks and Allah (?) too.

Dirk

Isn't Allah the God of those crazy guys who flew the planes into the World Trade Center.  The IWANTSALAME AND BACON people?

From Mohamed to Dirk  5/28

My friend,

Call the said number and ask of Jamses Obed,because the last time i spoke with him he was telling me that someone called and refuse to introduse him or her self,so call him and ask of the above name tell him that you are the beneficiary of the fund which was deposited with the security company,that i Mohamed Abacha directed you to him,all the relivant document has been sent to him,i mean my lawyer.

Meanwhile,it will require your present in Accra[Ghana] and as soon as you are ready to meet my lawyer in Ghana also reach me because as soon as i leave cybercafe i will call my lawyer too.

Dirk,do you mean you are not still through with your business in Lagos,anyway i may not no how long!

Thanks,
Mohamed!

The lawyers number is as follows;009-233-208136952, James Obed.

My mobil phone number is,08033468678.My friend look let me tell you something you don't know,when ever you wants to call me,always call when you are alone for security reason, dont let your friends know i mean Revert/Maryam.I have been telling you time with out number that i wouldn't be happy that some one hurt you for  my sake right.  Because if they find out that you know me they might think you have came to assist me take way those my fathers moneyM

Meanwhile i beg to stop here so far till we meet.

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/29

Dear Mohamed,

I keep trying to call your lawyer. I can't understand a word this guy is saying. Does your lawyer speak any English? I think you might be confused, I'm American. I am sorry if I led you to believe that I am from Africa. I
don't speak the same language as your lawyer. I noticed you said you were in a cyber cafe. What's up with Africans and cyber cafes? My former business partners, Maryam and Sule (the two that want to hurt and rob you),
use to use cyber cafes too.

Brother, I know you are frightened and scared for your life. You must be so fragile and delicate. I think you are over-reacting about this killing thing. I won't let anything happen to you. Let's figure out where to meet because I need to get back to America soon. I've been here for about two weeks and really got nothing accomplished. Well, I take that back, if partying with drugs and banging a lot of African girls is accomplishing something, then I built the freaking Great Wall of China.

Dirk

PS - Don't you think it is weird that you and Maryam have the same last name. Maybe she is your sister or cousin?

From Mohamed to Dirk  5/30

Dirk,

My lawyer said that you are lying by saying that you called several times.   But i asked you to call me and you refused whats  realy the problem,if you are  not ready to assist me please kindly notify me immediatly as soon as you reaceive this mail to enable me look for another alternative.

Thanks,
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 5/30

Dear Mohamed,

Your lawyer is a liar. He also has a thick African accent. Did you know that?

I'm getting a little suspicious of you and why you won't meet me. Something's fishy and it's not the African girls. Why won't you meet me?  Why are you afraid to look me in the eye. I never do business over the phone. Don't you think it's the same as email. At least I can understand you with email.

I'm in Lagos if you want my financial help. We can meet at the hotel or you can name the place if it makes you feel more comfortable. I know you are afraid of Sule and Maryam but don't be, they are no longer a threat to you.

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk 5/31

Dirk,

Since you want to see me no problems,expect me on thursday being 5/6/03 in Lagos.Then how do i reach you,since you refused to furnish me with your contact.Anyway when i am through with where to stay in Lagos for the few hours i got to spend i'll reach you,is that okay by you.
For my own safety,because i may not know your plans and Marym/Reverts towards me.I ask you to call me and you refused,so what else do you want me to do again,i'll come i am not afraid of you but only my Federal Gorvernment.

Thanks and Allah bless.
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/1

Dear Mohamed,

That sounds great. Pick a place and time for us to meet in Lagos on the 6th and I will be there. I will be wearing a light blue business suit. We should also pick out a secret password that we can say to eachother when we meet. Just so we know it is us. Do you want me to email you a picture of me?

Thanks

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk 6/3

Dirk,

My friend,if realy you mean you are in Lagos,call me on this number; 08033468678?Lets talk before then.

Thanks,
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/4

Mohamed,

Am I crazy or did you contact me for my help?  My way or the highway.  If you want my assistance financially, pick a place and time to meet.  If not, I am declaring shenanigans on this transaction.

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk  6/4

Dirk,

I asked you to call and you refused,i just want to inform you that my wife's younger brother in oversea want's to assist me in this transaction.

I will get back to you as soon as everything is okay,to reinburse you for your effort in this business.

Thanks and Allah bless,
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/5

Dear Mohamed,

I completely understand. I'm glad you found someone else to scam, errrrrr, help you with the transaction. Sorry, it seems that I have come down with a condition called "BLURTOUTDATRUTH" while I have been in Africa.

My friend Albert Fred, a fellow scammer, errrrr, African business man like yourself, has invited me to a conference which I would like you to attend.   I think you will enjoy it and that way we can meet each other face to face.

You can really learn a thing or two at the convention. Please visit their website and let me know what you think.

http://j-walk.com/blog/docs/conference.htm

So what do you say? Can I put you down for a hard boiled egg and a cricket?

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk  6/6

Dirk,

Are you scared of calling my number,i gave you my mobile phone number to call and you refused,why.

Mohamed!
My number is as follows;08033468678?

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/10

Dear Mohamed,

No, everytime I call it some African guy answers and I hang up. What did you think about the conference?

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk  6/11

Dirk,

I thought you are a responsible man,i never knew you are not.
What did you say that you call my line and some people pick the phone,
i put it to you that you are a lier.In respect of you so called conference,how do you think i will attend a conference people that tells lies,imposible?

Thank's,
Mohamed!

From Mohamed to Dirk  6/12

Dear Dirk,

I dont think i can continue wasting my time in communicating with unseriouse person like you,a lier.
Meanwhile i am processing my traveling document to meet with my Chines friend in respect of my transaction with him so i am very busy for now.Iam not interested with your confrence.Take note?

Mohamed!

EBOLA MONKEY MAN:  Finally, he caught on.  

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/16

Dear Really Bad Scammer,

What is the matter shit head, no reply? BE A MAN. Admit you were trying to
scam me.

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk 6/17

Dirk,

What's the problems with you then when youve'd known me as a bad scammer,why not you leave me alone,what do you want from me then,if you want us to be intimate friends you better open up to me i will accept you as my friend i hope you have my phone number you are ever free to call,if theres any assistance you want from me call me if i am capable to assist,i will.

Thanks,
Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/19

Dear Mohamed,

OK. You don't get it.  Just so you know, I know about the 419 scam. As a matter of fact, I actually have a website that exposes your fake asses. Whitey is on to you boy. You've caught me in a good mood so I have a proposal.  I want to give you a job. If you are willing to be my Nigerian correspondent, meaning you will write a column on my site that takes hard working people like me into the mind of a thief, I will buy you a new blow dart gun and pay you $10 US a month. I know what you are thinking and yes, this is a far cry from the thousands you hoped to get from me, but at least you would be earning it. Think about, you probably could feed your entire village/tribe.  If you have a conscious (stupid question on my part), then we are good to go.

Check out the site and get back to me:  www.ebolamonkeyman.com

We would love to have you on the team.

Dirk
errrrr Ebola Monkey Man

PS- I like you Mohamed.  I might even give you a nickname.

From Mohamed to Dirk 6/20

Dirk,

Thank's for your recent mail.I thank you very much for your informations.  But i will like to ask you a questions;It's it a crime for people you regards as scammers to let other members of the World that gediness is not good,dubiosness is not good,i mean you people should allow scammers to let people learn from there mistakes,i am not saying i'm one among the scammers right,i am just trying to put sence into you ,i hope you get me right.

Then if you want me to work with you as a friend,better because i do hear of scammers home and abroad.

Thank's
Mohamed!

N/B,Dirk, where are you presently,notify me as soon as you receive this mail,i hope you have my phone number are you afraid of calling me.

From Mohamed to Dirk  6/21

Dirk,

I didn't hear from you today why?

Mohamed!

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/22

Dear Mohamed,

Thank you for the email.  I haven't been able to answer you emails in a couple of days because I have been working.  Like a normal person.  Working hard to make a living.  Notice I said WORKING, not stealing.  

Cut the crap, your not fooling anyone, I know you are a scammer.  That's why I'm offering you to let the world into the mind of a scammer and I'll even pay you $10 and a new blow gun.  

Dude, scamming people is wrong in every sense.  You can't justify stealing from someone else.  It's a cowards way out.  Here's your chance to be a leader and not a follower.  Be a man, look around the Internet cafe you are sitting in right now and tell your fellow scammers (I know they are sitting right next to you) and tell them they are cowards.  Tell them that they are afraid of hard work and that they should follow you to the nearest McDonalds and apply for a job.  Then I will respect you because that's what hard working people do.  They suck it up and go to there shitty job and work.  They  could easily be criminals, but they aren't.  They work their ass off and if there is a God, they will be rewarded.  

What do you say?  Will you be a leader?

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk  6/23

Dirk,

I'm very very greatfull for you resent mail you sent to me,it's quiet understandable.But it's like you are calling me a thief,is it what you mean,that wrong by you.

Any way,i so much love your words and i got to take you as a man.

Dirk,you see the course of all this,is that when you go out there no job, you'll see a young Graduate out there no job for him to do,what else do tou want he/she to do,i mean it's quiet unfortunate,they said AN IDLE MAN IS AN ANGRY MAN,i hope you understand what i mean.

So,Dirk my friend,i'm just trying to express my fillings some how,to you i am not Mohamed Abacha,i would have given you my full name but you are just like a green snake in a green grass of which,if i see's a snake like you i would like to kill,so for that i withheld my name for now,i hope you have my phone number,email adress we can be reaching each orther.For now i don't have a job if you have or theres any thing you can do for me to survive allways contact me.

Thank's.
Name withheld.

From Dirk to Mohamed 6/23

Mohamed (I will just keep calling you that for the hell of it, even though I know it's not your name),

Thank you for emailing me back.  I'm trying to make you understand that I know you are a thief.  You are a Nigerian 419 Scum/Scam artist.  Not a good one I might add but I will save that for another email.  You have to understand something, I'm not the snake here.  It's you my lazy brother.  You are the one that tries to take money that doesn't belong to you.  There are plenty of people that graduate from universities and they don't get high paying jobs.  You don't see them trying to steal money.  Just because you are poor does not give you the right to steel from people.  The money you and your fellow tribesmen steal destroys many peoples lives.  Please, I'm begging you, get a real job.  You seem like a nice guy.  Jesus Mohamed, I'm the Ebola Monkey Man and I'm being nice to a scammer.  I know you can do it.

I want you to light the Internet Cafe you are sitting in right now on fire.  I talked to God and he says he will forgive you if you light that mother fucker up with all the other scammers.  Lock the door, take some gasoline, and burn that Internet Cafe down with all those scammers in it.  

What do you say brother?

Dirk

PS - It is hard to kill a small green snake with a blow dart gun.  You have to have amazing aim.

From Mohamed to Dirk  7/3

Hey friend,

How you today,for some time now we have not heared from each other i know you have been expecting my mail,i am soory please,all this while i have been busy trying to keep things in other you know.

Dirk,where are you presently now i hope you do hear from your wife and your kids
how are they fearing i hope okay extend my greetings to them right.

Men,i have been xepecting your call all this while whats wrong,your last mail,i had what you said but it's imposible,i don't believe in killing innocent people or destroy something that deos'nt belong to me men i cant do that right.

I hope to hear from you again,

Remain my friend Dirk.
Name withheld?

From Dirk to Mohamed 7/7

Dear Name Withheld,

I'm good.  I am back in the US.  Sorry I did not write back sooner as I was enjoying the holiday weekend.  Yasmine and my sons extend a greeting to you.

So, you've been busy keeping your other scams in order.  That's great.  Make any big scores?  I can only imagine how busy you can get if you have like 20 scams going at the same time.  How do you not confuse your victims?  You must have the strength of 10 men.

I've been busy too.  I work a lot.  Difference being that my company helps people as opposed to sending them to financial ruin.

Hey, this is just a shot in the dark but do you think my products on www.ebolamonkeyman.com would sell well in your Internet cafe that you work out of?  Imagine how proud some of the scammers would be if I had shirts of them hanging on the walls.  Let me know.

You will always be my friend because I like you.  Be safe brother and good luck scamming whitey.

Dirk

From Mohamed to Dirk  7/9

Dear dirk

Thank's for your mail.  Again we got to thank our almighty father for guilding you here in my country Nigeria that noting happened to you, that was my pray every day.Anyway,i know you didn't come because of me,you came for another business because i could remember i never invited you to Nigeria.  Dirk,it has not been easy for me for some times now things have not been going accordingly you may understand what i mean without been told.  So,how is your wife and your kid,i hope they are all okay,extend my warmly greetings to all?  I stop here so far till i hear from you again.

Thank's and God bless.

EBOLA MONKEY NOTE:  Mohamed has actually confused the shit out of me with this one.  I don't even know how to respond.  I like Mohamed.  He makes me laugh although I don't think he does it on purpose.  I'm going to let my good friend, The Profanator, try to get through to him.  I think this one needs a new flavor added to it.  Go get him brother.

From The Profanator to Mohamed 7/10

Dear Mohamed:

I am good friends with Dirk Toolhardy.  I write to you about a very serious matter, and one which I feel is worthy of my immediate attention. Dirk is at a complete loss as to what to say to you. I will try to explain, please read this very carefully and try to understand all. If it helps, chew on some
bark or something for concentration. This is important Mohamed, Dirk is quite upset.

Dirk Toolhardy does not exist. Let us call the man with whom you have been in contact "Name Witheld." Name Witheld's (Dirk Toolhardy's) hobby is contacting Nigerian 419 fraud scammers and baiting them for fun. By baiting, I mean making them think they are going to make money and having them do all kinds of silly things. Name Witheld knows you are one of these scammers. He
does not know why you are pretending you are not. Name Witheld has never been to Nigeria, he has no children, and he is worried about you being a complete retard for still carrying on this ruse.

If you go to this website, and please do, you will find a copy of your correspondence with name witheld and even your fake picture.

www.ebolamonkeyman.com

Please write back and tell us whether you think the website is funny. You see Mohamed, Name Witheld and I like you, very much. We have, for a while, wanted to talk on a personal level with one of you chaps. We think you are generally a good guy, perhaps not too sharp, but we blame that on education.

At the very least, acknowledge the fact that Name Witheld reverse scammed you and that you are a scammer. We like you Mohamed, please write back pal!

Sincerely,

Name Witheld's Friend
(Profanator)

Ebola Monke Note:  Fucker won't write us back.  I may just take back the job I offered him.

From The Profanator to Mohamed 7/11

Dear Mohamed:

Please respond. We are very concerned about you and your well being. Name Witheld and I will not sleep untill we know you are in no distress.

I understand that Name Witheld (Dirk) offered you $10.00 and a blowgun to write for his website as a Nigerian correspondent. I am so elated by the idea that I too will offer an extra ten dollars. Imagine what you could do with TWENTY dollars! Would you like to know the best part, though? I have to tell you, I have found the worlds greatest, most technologically advanced blowgun! It has a laser sight and can hold 16 blowdarts on its shaft! Just imagine how great you will be within your tribe!

Just to whet your appitite I am attaching a picture of what could be yours.

We like you Mohamed. Please respond.

Sincerely,

The Profanator
(Dirk's friend)

From Mohamed to Dirk  7/11

Mohamed,

Jesus brother, listen to the man, that's a hell of a blow gun.  On top of the that, an extra 20 spot.  Are you crazy?  This is the opportunity of a life time.  You were always telling me about how many people wanted you dead dude.  Now you will be able to cap their asses with a laser guided poisonous frog tipped darts.  You'll be unstoppable.  Fuck yeah!

Please consider it my man.  I expect your response ASAP.

Dirk

PS - How would you say these phrases in your language (I need them soon so please write back):

"I like they way you do that right thurr"

"We only humans girl we make mistakes, to make it up I do whatever it take, I love you like a fat kid love cake"

"Cuz it's 187 on mother fuckin' cop"

"Dirky, what's my mutha fuckin name. Dirky, and who I'm rollin wit, my niggas."

"Girl, you looks good, won't you back that ass up, You´se a fine motherfucker, won´t you back that ass up, Call me big daddy when you back that ass up"

"Why do birds appear, everytime, you are near.  Just like me, they long to be, close to you" (by the way, this one is not for me, um, it's for a friend)

From Mohamed to The Profanator  7/12

DearWilliams,

Call this number for us to discuss,the number is as follows;
08033468678.
Nigerian code num;234
Then you can omite the first zero?

Thank's!

From Mohamed to The Profanator  7/12

Dirk,

What do you mean,by the way who is this man that you gave my email adress,i dont know him,if you realy want me to work for you okay not given my adress to people i dont know right.
Okay,lets talk deal now,how it's it go be tell me and also tell me the condition of the condition of the job lets kick off.again next time don't you ever use the word fuck to me right, i know why i am saying this,because both of us now are like partners,if i'm not mistaking since i started communicating with you i have never one day used an abusive word to you because i don't like insult,i have my own way of doing my things,infact till i read from you againg.

Thank's?

From Mohamed to Dirk  7/13

Dear Mohamed,

I'm sorry, I will never use the word fuck again when talking to you.  Fuck is a tough word for some and sometimes I don't think.  Fuck can make people angry.  You are right, since we have been communicating, you have never used words like fuck, fuck face, fuckety fuck fuck, or fucking fuck fucker.  Regardless, I will never use the word fuck again.

The Profanator is my business partner.  I'm sorry I didn't warn you that he would be writing you.  You can trust him.  Mohamed, we both like you and want you to join the team at www.ebolamonkeyman.com.  You asked me the condition of the condition.  I'd like to allow myself to introduce myself.  The Profanator and I are conspiring to conspire and want you to come aboard. Think again about the proposal.

You are my man Mohamed.  So can you please translate the phrases that I asked you to in the last email.  It would mean so much to me.

Thanks

Dirk

From Mohamed to The Profanator  7/13

Dear Profanator,

I don't know you,untill i confirm who you are from my friend Dirk,then i will respond to you.And if realy you work hand in hand with Dirk send me picture of both of you.

Thank's?

From The Profanator to Mohamed 7/14

Dear Mohamed:

I am shocked and appalled, sir. How dare you question my motives or friendliness with Dirk. What, you think I just happened to find your e-mail address and come up with the name Dirk as an intro. Dirk is right, you are a moron. Dirk and I have been collegues for some time. he should be writing to inform you and to let you know that we still want you as a partner at www.ebolamonkeyman.com.

Dirk told me about your anger at his bad language, particulary the word fuck. I have told Dirk on several occasions that e-mail is no place to use the word fuck. It is as improper to say fuck as it is to say shit, piss, tits, spunk, arse, or twat. However, fuck is totally rude and I have told Dirk not to offend you by saying fuck again. He knows never to say fuck to you Mohamed, I have made sure that fuck has been struck from his lexicon.

Anyway, please let me know about the blowgun and twenty dollars. Please be my friend too, Mohamed.

Sincerely,

Profanator

P.S. You may call me Will Tuchme

PROFANATOR NOTE:
Dude... I have no fucking clue what to do about this one... Um, help... I am at a loss for words. Should we try to get him back into the scam?   I think this fuckwit would actually buy it.

hang on dude... I am sending him a pic of ron and bruce campbell.

From Mohamed to The Profanator  7/14

Dear friend,

It's like you came with Dirk to Lagos last time he came to Nigeria,Sure.

Anyway,for now i don't need your money neither your blow gun,,just go straight to the point,what i can do for you right now,then how is the job is going to look like,i have made up my mined to work with your and Dirk,i am ever ready to work with you if only you and Dirk will keep to your words.I will not betray you,you will not betray me either.  Again,before i will forget,the picture i told you about,you and Dirk should take a shot and send to me for propoer identification,for me to be sure of what i am doing and people i want to work with?

Thank's and God bless!

From The Profanator to Mohamed 7/14

Mohamed,

Ok, you know that I did not come to Lagos with Dirk. That is right... Neither did Dirk, you dolt.

We will not betray you as you will not betray us. We will be partners. We both like you. Please think about the blowgun and money though, that is a hell of a deal and we want you to be happy.

Just to prove we like you, I am sending you the picture you have requested of me and Dirk.

In return, we would like for you to complete your first assignment for us. We would like for you to write us a letter telling us, in detail, about the internet cafe you are in. How many people are in there, what are they doing, are they doing business? What are they drinking?

Please do this for us. We will then do something for you,

Sincerely,

Dirk's friend Will
(Profanator)

From Mohamed to Dirk 7/14

Dear Dirk,

I understand what you mean but before that could take place promise me you will not betray me in any way.As par you proposals i am ever ready to work with you. Dirk,can you answer this question for me,do you mean i am to meet you Abroad.  If am to meet you Abroad,how about my means of coming down,again,to be frank with you i am scare that you and your coliques will make fun of me if i should come down to your country.Unless both of us will enter into an agreement.May be later we discuss on that level.

Look Dirk,i am a young graduate,a Chemical engineer,i cant see my self messed up like that,is either i stay here without doing any work,or work for you then i will be messed up.
So how do you see to that.