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Note: I deleted the original mail from the dear reverend when I thought I'd scared him off. Then he got back to me. The premise was basically this:

He had been meditating for help from god in order to find somebody to handle some money which he wanted to distribute to his various pet charities. HIV-victims, orphanage projects etc. God had told him to email me, obviously. I would, of course, get a cut. Interestingly, he claims to be Brazillian.


Here's my original reply: (Note amusing email address, charity names, and dodgy bible quote... I left a few lines between the bottom of the email and the quote, I know he can't be reading them)

From: "Phil McCavity" <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Orphanage project
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 02:17:02 +0800

Dear Reverend Simon,

It is fortuitous that you have communicated with me. This project sounds a most worthy one. As a religious man myself, I think it is important that we try to help others as much as possible as part of our christian faith.

I myself already help raise for several charities, including 'Total Unity Redressing Despair', a charity in south-east Asia, helping Orphaned children, and 'The Society for the Rehabilitation of Frottered Puffins'. As you can tell, I also support animal charities. They, like us were put here by god, so when we allow them to be abused, surely we are abusing our faith itself. Don't you agree, Father?

You state in your email that you wish me to distribute this money in order to benefit HIV/AIDS charities. Have you been working with these types of people long, Father? I personally steer clear of those types myself, I'd be scared I'd catch the gay.

Anyway, I digress. Please get onto you attorney as soon as possible, and have him furnish me with the documentation neccesary, so we can help people together.

May god be with you always,

Philip McCavity

Quote:

David 4:17 And god spake unto the Hebrews, "And the lamb shall lie with the bull. The boar shall lie with the baboon, and all across the world, there shall be rejoicing, for the world will be filled with love for one another". And thus it was so.


Note the email address has changed- to a '.co.uk' no less...

From: Sam Simon <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Dear Phil McCavity
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 22:39:19 +0100 (BST)


Dear Phil McCavity,

I acknowledge the receipt of your mail which it's content was well noted and understood.

Also i have this strange feel that i have found a truth and worthy person in you.

Meanwhile,i will like you to send me your private telephone and fax number so that i can give it to me lawyer and he will furnish you with all the details you need to know.

Thanks And God Bless

Rev Sam Simon.



From: "Phil McCavity" <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: "Sam Simon" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Dear Phil McCavity
Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 00:48:07 +0800


Dear Sir,

I am afraid I cannot send you my personal details, as I believe you are not a man of God at all, but a filthy heathen, offering great riches in order to take me for a ride.

I have noted, 'Father', that your email adress has changed. Last time you had a 'bassplayer.cc' account (I also play the bass guitar- in church, no less, a place which I suspect you haven't seen the inside of for some time- I was hoping that in time, we could share tips on fingerwork and tuning), now you have a 'Yahoo.co.uk' account. I was under the impression that you were from Brazil....

Can you account for this, Father? Does it not say in the bible, "The golden beaver is beset on all sides by the frotting of evil men"? I hope you can explain these anomalies, Father- I was looking forward to doing business with an honorable man.

God bless,

Philip.

Quote:

Kevin 4:22 "And from the passage came a great wind, and with it a vile stench- the stench of evil..."

Note another change of email address. Also note lack of punctuation... I'm convimced this was written by a different person with a not-so-good grasp of the English language.

From: parish priest <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Orphanage project.
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 07:12:41 -0700 (PDT)

Dear friend

Thanks for your mail.i am very happy to hear from you.and i want you to know that my motive of contacting you was directed to me by the lord and i believe that in no time you will get this money.i will want to know if you will be assisting me in this regard,if willing please send to me a copy of you identity which i shall use to swear a power of attorney which will stipulate that you have full rights to claim these funds on my behalf and also reconfirm to me direct telephone and fax number.also send to me your full house address as the finance company will request for all of these information before they might release these funds to you.as soon as i receive this information i will immediately furnish you with all modalities on how yo will recive this funds under a legitimate arrangements.

Best Regards,

Rev.S



From: "Phil McCavity" <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Orphanage project.
Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 00:11:15 +0800


Look here, so-called reverend.

Before I furnish you with my personal details, I want you to answer the questions in my last email. I am a devout christian, so my mistrust shames me, but I must know the answers before my trust will be complete.

1)Why has your personal email address changed?

2)Do you really play bass guitar?

3)If I touch a HIV-man, will I get the gay?

Answer my questions, then perhaps this worthwhile project may reach fruition. A picture of yourself would be nice, also. I like to see the person I am talking to.

God bless,

Philip McCavity.

Quote:

Daniel 6:42pm: 'And the lion roared. "Its tooth giveth it pain," spake Daniel. "I shall tuggeth it forth with my holy pliers..."

He sent me a picture! Probably out of a magazine, but who cares? It's a start.

From: parish priest <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: Anxiously waiting to hear from you.
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 21:13:33 -0700 (PDT)


Dear Phil,

Thanks for your reply and the content are all well understood,sorry for the late in replying your mail it is due to my health i had a little fever.

About your question.

1]My formal email box site have a little problem with the server hear that is why i have to change to yahoo.

2]yes i do play bass guitar very well.

3]You can not have hiv from touching even kissing,going to the same toilet with a parcient of hiv.

Check below is my pic.

Anxiously waiting to hear from you.

Rev.



Now I begin to turn the screw a little. Codenames, for a start. Plus a direct insult. Note 'subtle' bible quote.


From: "Phil McCavity" <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Anxiously waiting to hear from you.
Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2003 02:29:09 +0800

Dear Rev,

Firstly, in dealing in this most delicate of matters, we should be careful. Anyone could be watching our communications. In future will will use code names. You will refer to me only as 'Crunchy Frog'. I shall address you by the title 'Doctor Felch'. This will ensure maximum confidentiality.

Anyway, Doctor Felch, in my question 3 in my last email, I wasn't asking if you can catch HIV from an infected person (everyone knows you cannot- do you think me a fool?). I wanted to know if you could catch the gay. Can you?

I enjoyed your picture very much. Your head is an odd shape, I notice. Were you evr dropped as a baby?

God bless,

Crunchy Frog.

Quote:

Revelations 14:4: "Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast. For it is a human number. Its number is 419"



From: parish priest <[email protected]> [Save Address] [Block Sender]
To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: its me.
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 12:41:44 -0700 (PDT)


Hello Crunchy Frog,

Thanks a lot for your mail.I am indeed very happy with your mail and also your concern about making our communications coded.I will also want you to know and be restured assured that you would not cath the gay.

Furthermore i will like you to be kind enough to also forward to me your direct telephone nad fax numbers for easier communication.I wish to also let you know that a copy of your identity which could either be your international passport or drivers licence and also your full postal address will be needed for proper documentations that you are the beneficiary to the funds.so pls send them to me so that i can obtain the necessary documents in your favour so that we can then proceed further.

I will be expecting your urgent respose.

Yours sincerely,

Doctor Felch.

It was only after I sent this that I realised I hadn't given him the usual bible quote. Ah well, less chance of arousing suspicion I suppose. Now I'm after another picture.....

To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: its me.
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 2003 00:13:11 +0800

Dear Doctor Felch,

I was just about to email you my personal details, when something stayed my hand; perhaps it was God himself. A small voice in my head cried " Be careful Philip- this man could be an agent of Satan, out to ridicule you!"

And so I have chosen not to send you my details just yet. I would appreciate it if you could further prove your trustworthiness to me. You sent me a picture. For that I am truly grateful, but how can I be sure it is really you, and not a picture of some random person cut from a magazine?

The only thing I can think of is for you to take a picture of yourself (or one of your congregation) holding up a sign saying 'I AM DOCTOR FELCH' (it would be best to use the codename, rather than your real name for security purposes). If you would do this for me, then our business can begin in earnest, as it would prove the picture is real.

I hope you will do this for me, as the money in this project could be used for such wonderful purposes.

Remain blessed,


I think I've pissed him off a bit. Never mind- I'll not give up so easily... I also think this is the work of the second person- the punctuation is total shit...

To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: its me.
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2003 09:40:07 -0700 (PDT)


Hello Crunchy Frog,

Thanks a lot for your mail.I am happy that you did respond to me.I also wish to let you know that i am not so keen in giving out this funds to just anyone but to a trustworthy person.The way you speak to me is impolite and i do not like that.I think that you are not the right person as anyone who wishes to do the work of God is suppose to have trust and faith.Do you expect me to put my self in so much stress because of how you feel or what.I do not think i need to prove my self in anyway rather it is you who needs to since you will be the one will receive this funds.so i need to know who you are,where you are and you details as this are the only things that can prove tha you are a sincere man.Why did you also choose a code name is it that you are afraid of your name or why?i need to know.

Yours sincerely,

Doctor felch.


I didn't add a 'bible' quote deliberately this time. I'm determined to get a pic out of him (or them), and don't want to freak him out too much...

To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: its me.
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2003 20:51:57 +0800

Dear Doctor Felch,

First of all, let me apologise wholeheartedly if my comments have caused a fence. I was not intending to be impolite, and I hope that this incident will not affect our relationship.

I have chosen a code name, both for you and myself, not to conceal my identity from you (for you already know my true name), but to protect us both from outside influences who may seek to subvert us.

As for the picture, I wish only for you to send me it because I believe that the agents of Satan are all around us, seeking to divert us from the path of true righteousness, and onto the path of sin. It grieves me that you think I am not very Christian because of my lack of trust, and so to help allay your fears, I have attached a picture of myself holding up a sign with my code name on it.

Now I have proved myself to you, please do the same for me- send me a photograph of yourself holding up a sign with YOUR codename on it. When I see that you are a man just and true, a true man of god, a man of honesty and purity, then I will send you my full details so we can transfer this money with swiftness, and then the good works can begin.

May the force be with you,

Crunchy Frog.


To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: its me.
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2003 10:30:22 -0700 (PDT)

Hello crunchy dog,

Thanks for your mail. I received your mail but did not receive any picture could you please send that to me again.

Sincerely,

Doctor felch.

To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: its me.
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2003 22:55:26 +0800

Dear Doctor Felch,

I am saddened that you did not receive my picture. :(

I have attached it again and I hope that you receive it okay this time, and that you send me a picture of yourself as I request (holding a sign with 'Doctor Felch' on it), so we may become most trusted friends.

Also- remember, my codename is 'Crunchy Frog', not 'Crunchy Dog'. Crunchy Dog sounds like something on the menu in a Korean fast-food restaurant...

Hope to hear from you very soon,

Crunchy Frog.

This message is just weird, obviously written by someone else (WHO HASN'T FOUND OUT HOW TO TURN CAPS OFF!) I just ignored it and waited patiently for more contact.

To: [email protected]
Subject: PLEASE SEND YOUR INFORMATIONS
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2003 07:42:14 -0700 (PDT)

ATTN;Phil McCavity,

PRAISE THE LORD,BROTHER IN CHRIST,GOD LOVE YOU,FIRST AND FORMOST,I AM REV SIMON FROM STMARY PARISH BRAZIL. INFACT GOD LOVES YOU,I AND MY CHURCH MEMBER HAVE AGREED TO DONATE THIS MONEY TO THE NEEDY,WE HAVE THE BANK CONTACT WHICH WE WILL GIVE TO YOU BECAUSE IT WAS SOME BODY WHO GOD DID SOME THING GOOD THEN HE REMEMBER THAT HE HAVE TO HELP THE NEEDY,THAT IS HOW WE RAISE THIS FUND,PRAISE THE LORD,FOR YOU TO GO ABOUT THIS YOU WILL NEED TO SEND YOUR BANK DETAILS PLEASE BEFORE THEY CAN RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU,EVERY DOCUMENTS MUST BE ON YOUR NAME,WITH REGARDS TO THIS,YOU HAVE TO SEND ME YOUR FULL NAME,ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER. AND ONCE YOU FORWARD ALL THOSE DATAS THEN WE WILL INSTRUCT OUR ATTORNEY HERE IN BRAZIL TO MAKE THE CHANGE OF THE DOCUMENTS TO YOUR NAME AND YOU WILL PROMISE US THAT YOU WILL USE THE MONEY AS WE DIRECTED YOU,WE DONT NEED ANY AMOUNT FROM THE MONEY OK. WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON,

BEST REGARDS,

REV SIMON

nb;sorry we reply very late



This is more like it- written by Doctor felch himself. Note address of 'lawyer'- these fucks seem to like 'bassplayer.cc' accounts...

To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: thanks for your mail.
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2003 12:17:25 -0700 (PDT)


Dear Crunchy Frog,

Thanks a lot for your mail.I am very happy that i have seen your picture this time around.And i also wish to let you know that you have to deal directly with my lawyer now as i do not wish to continue this transaction directly with you as this is affecting my spiritual life and i as a reverend have things which i must not do.If you are still interested in assisting you should contact my lawyer directly on her email:

[email protected] and her name is Wanda wilson..I do wish you are okay with this so all communiations as from this moment should be through my lawyer as she will guide you through all the processes you need to follow.

Yours sincerely,

Doctor felch.

I want that bloody picture!

To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: thanks for your mail.
Date: Mon, 04 Aug 2003 00:43:30 +0800


Dear Doctor Felch,

How do I know this woman is a fully qualified lawyer, and not some backstreet idiot? She uses a pretty strange address for a lawyer. Does she play the bass guitar too?

Anyway, I don't like all this 'contact her directly' hokey. You're just trying to palm me off. I still haven't received that picture from you. I need it as proof I can trust you. I sent you a picture of myself holding up a sign with my codename on, and now you should repay the favour. It is very un-christian of you not to do this for me.

Bless de lord,

Crunchy Frog.


To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: thanks for your mail.
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 05:39:56 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Crunchy frog,

Thanks a lot for your mail.i just checked my mail today and i am happy to have heard from you.I want you to go forward and contact my lawyer as she is the only person who will help you.You need to be more polite when talking {backstreet idiot?} .If you do not feel free contacting my lawyer i guess you should just forget about it so that she can find someone who can do it.Mind you you cannot go agaist the will of God.So if you are the true one it will be and if not we just have to forget about it so contact my lawyer if you are interested.

Yours in the lord,

Doctor Felch.

To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: thanks for your mail.
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2003 00:30:17 +0800

Dear Doctor Felch,

I'm sorry- but that lawyer of yours just seems amateurish. I've met chimpanzees with more impressive credentials than his. Where did he qualify? The University of Sesame Street?

Besides you still haven't sent me that picture I asked for. It's really not on. What's up? Camera shy?

Tell you what, get your lawyer to take a picture of himself holding up a sign saying 'I AM DOCTOR FELCH' , then I'll start talking with him. Until then I can do nothing. WILL do nothing. This is the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

Yours, walking in the light,

Crunchy Frog.


Oops! Looks like I've been rumbled....

To: Phil McCavity <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: thanks for your mail.
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003 12:57:46 -0700 (PDT)


Dear Philip,

I think you are not serious with me so please do not contact me again.

Rev_s


Never mind- here's a chance to tell the thieving fuck what a twat he is. I'm hoping he'll rise to it, but I won't be holding my breath...

To: "parish priest" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: thanks for your mail.
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2003 02:56:46 +0800

Dear Doctor Felch,

I knew it! Another small-time piece of shit who's not big enough to do a deal.

Well boy, you blew it big time. You had the chance to get the deal done, but you were too much of a little fish in a big pond. If you insist on doing deals in the future, I suggest you stick to garage sales, or counting the money in your collection plate. (Which does not exist, I can tell- you're less of a religious man than Satan himself...)

See ya kid- stick to the small stuff until your testicles drop and you finally grow some hair on your nutsack. In the meantime, I'll stick to doing my business with grown-ups, not incompetent, useless nobodies like yourself.

It's only fair to let you know- I'm no religious man. Just like yourself, you scheming, thieving, useless, pre-adolescent, dumb as a monkey, tiny-penised, small-bollocked, piece of 419-scamming shit!

I hope your small balls wither so you can't breed. Cunts like you give your fellow countrymen a bad name. I bet they all think you're a wanker as well...

Try again dumbass, but only when you get a grown-up to help you write the words. That way you might convince someone.

Love and kisses,

Crunchy Frog.

PS- I fully intend to get your microscopic cock and balls on display in a museum somewhere as the smallest ever. I'll send someone round for them next week. Don't shut your eyes, shithead- that's when the scissors come out to play!!!!!!!!!!!

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